Jessica's Blog

Grabbing the Chisel

2011-08-09T18:49:00.000-07:00

Chisel- a tool used to cut or shape wood, stone, metal or OTHER HARD MATERIAL.

Have you ever felt God chiseling away at you? The person you are.. your character?

I felt it today… I mean really if I think about it I’ve felt it all along, but today I feel like he took out a huge chuck of something that wasn’t suppose to be there… And then he showed it to me and I cried. It was gross, icky and black.

The past two years have been a season of me finding out who I am and God has just been chiseling away at me as I grow…. Well this summer in-particular I have felt like I’ve come to my crossroads for this season of my life. The roads? Who I was, who I am, Who I could be… oh the choices.. I feel like I’ve gone down each and every one of these roads and doubled back this summer and I stay at this crossroad trying to decide if I should make a whole new road that doesn’t include any of the three. However it doesnt work that way… They’ll all follow me.

The point is… amongst everything I’ve felt the chiseling… God slowly taking one chunk of gunge ( yes I mean gunge not grunge) off at a time.. and occasionally I put it back on. But I’ve felt it, and I’ve seen it, and as I look back to where I was when I moved here and where I am today… well… I’m an entirely different woman… in numerous ways.

But what I came to today was… have I back tracked? Have I back tracked to a place I never actually visited? I skipped out on many things as a child and as a teenager and generally when people surpass a normal transition in life they have to go through it at some point and it generally comes out in their 20’s and 30’s … even later if they continue to suppress it. Well I wasn’t suppressing things. I just let them come. And I suffered the consequences… or am suffering the consequences… not all bad, mind you, but consequences all the same.

So, yes, in a sense I’ve back tracked in some places… but I’m so far ahead in others. I guess God’s working on balancing me out. And becoming balanced hurts. And yes, sometimes it feels like Hell… or our concept of what Hell could feel like. But things are always better on the other side if we just let him chisel away and mold us the way he wants to.

That’s why today I just cried instead of making excuses for the gunge. I had no excuse. I had no clever reasoning, it was just there… and I had to deal with it…

Embrace the chiseling… life is just better when you do.

When I say... "I'm a Christian"

2011-04-12T14:43:00.001-07:00

When I say… “I am a Christian” 

I’m not shouting “I’m clean livin’.” 

I’m whispering “I was lost, 

Now I’m found and forgiven.”  

When I say… “I am a Christian” 

I don’t speak of this with pride. 

I’m confessing that I stumble 

and need Christ to be my guide.  

When I say… “I am a Christian”

 I’m not trying to be strong. 

I’m professing that I’m weak 

And need His strength to carry on.  

When I say… “I am a Christian” 

I’m not bragging of success. 

I’m admitting I have failed 

And need God to clean my mess.  

When I say… “I am a Christian”

 I’m not claiming to be perfect, 

My flaws are far too visible 

But, God believes I am worth it.  

When I say… “I am a Christian” 

I still feel the sting of pain. 

I have my share of heartaches 

So I call upon His name.  

When I say… “I am a Christian” 

I’m not holier than thou, 

I’m just a simple sinner 

Who received God’s good grace, somehow!

All the Single Ladies

2011-04-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

So over the past couple of weeks I’ve been frustrated and struggling with my singleness. And it’s not that I don’t like being single, because I do. It defiantly has a lot of perks that I enjoy. But I’m also getting to that place where I’m ready to start my next journey. I found myself not content with where I was and questioning things about myself. I was getting myself down and was sending myself into a whirlwind. Things like: “Am I not appealing or attractive? Why don’t guys like me? Why is it that the only guys who have shown interest are seriously disturbed, or have more issues then I do? Does that mean something’s wrong with me? “ etc.

Not the best thoughts I know. But I’m human and this is where things were going. However here’s the catch. I know that I’m beautiful. I know that God thinks I’m very special and he adores me. I know that I have great qualities as a person, friend and as a woman of God. So if I’m so awesome… then why are boys/guys/men so dumb or oblivious in seeing it? These are some things I’ve been asking God and myself for quite some time now.

Dear single people. We all know crushing is exhausting. And when you like someone you try and make them like you back,.. You may not think that you do but even subconsciously you try things, like maybe dressing a little nicer or trying and complimenting them a lot, laugh a different way that you think they’ll be more attracted to you. But alas it’s all in vain. And by the end of it you’re exhausted and anxious.

Well guess what. You can’t make someone like you. It doesn’t matter what you do it just won’t work. You are attractive all by yourself. And the person God has for you is going to fall for you. You don’t have to change a thing. You wont have to loose weight or change your hair, or change at all. Because you yourself are enough. And you are who they’ve been looking for,

I had some chats with two very good friends tonight who reminded me that when I meet that person that God has for me, I wont have to make an effort. It will be specific for what I need and special to me. And I wont have to try to get something going because it will just happen… and it wont be stressful.

I am one of those girls that I feel like God has hidden. I know I’m special. I look at my life and see all the times God has protected me from making poor choices. So many people who have a similar history to mine end up in so many awful places. Making extremely dangerous and poor choices in their lives.

But God’s protected me from those paths. Those situations haven’t even been options for me. And granted I made a choice young enough to follow God and to stay obedient to him. And as long as I’ve walked with him he’s protected me.

If God cares enough to protect me then I know he loves me and thinks I’m special. If I’m so special why don’t guys notice? God covered their eyes so they couldn’t see. God has a certain person for me and He will see me the way God sees me and he will now how special and precious I am.

In the mean time I will bask in the Love of my Heavenly Father who thinks the universe of me.

And you know what? Knowing that God is hiding me is exciting! Just think of the man that will see me… he’ll match my special preciousness… and that just fills me with butterflies.

Acting Lessons

2011-03-31T19:08:00.000-07:00

So I’m frustrated. I seem to have this problem I can’t get past. I’ve done it in class, I’ve done it in rehearsals, I’ve gotten notes on it over and over again… And yes at this point I’m discouraged, upset with myself. How do I stop it?

Ok so I have this problem of breaking character. I’m in these serious rolls that are funny because my character is so serious. And I’m suppose to look people in the eye… but there faces or they just make me laugh or I hear the laughter of the audience and it just breaks, I’m too much in my head.

So I wasn’t really getting help with how to help this, so I talked to Dr. Kirkland. I live in his house and can get acting help from him. I’m too much in my head and not as engaged in my other. Which is hard when my other isn’t engaged fully in me.

So the show opens tomorrow and I need to get out of my head and make Amanda real. And move past the as if and make it an undertone.

Wow, I just feel like I’ve failed this go around acting wise. But it’s ok. It’s all part of the learning process and the show will go on and it will be good. I’m getting my act together and things are going to shift.

No this is isn’t Painted Rain, but it should be just as awesome as all my other experiences.

I’m sorry I’ve been a Debbie Downer. Things will change.

K thanks J

Adventures in the rain

2011-03-31T18:35:00.001-07:00

So today I went to lunch with some friends. We went to Olive Garden and found out it was a 15 minute wait. We had to be back at school in an hour. So we went back out to my car and for some reason it wouldn't start. The gas was low and so I thought perhaps the gas gauge was off by a little bit. So we went over tho Friendly's and called a bunch of friends to have some people get us. So we sit down and eat and I'm praying and trying to stay calm and enjoy my time while we wait. So anyway friends come and we get food and eat. I've called my boss to let her know that my car died and that I was going to be late.

So I get to school and get to work and talk to my boss about letting me leave with my friend to get a gas can and put some gas in my tank. So my wonderful friend took me back to my car and I filled up my gas tank as she tried to figure out how to put oil in her car. It was quit the picture. Two girls are in the rain as a green Mercury Sable is being filled with oil and a white Mercury Sable is have gas put in her.

So I go to start my car and it still does nothing. It wasn't even rolling over. So I pop my hood to see if I can figure out what is wrong and I always have trouble popping my hood because I can never find the lever. My friend, Sharon, skillfully figured it out and we looked at my engine and... it looked fine. We wondered if maybe the battery had died so we tried to jump my car.. still nothing.

I call my dad and he tells me to turn the car on and pop it in neutral. So I do.. forgetting that the emergency break is not on... my car starts to roll backwards out of the parking spot. I tell my father to hold on and I call for Sharon. She gets behind my car and I'm by the driver door and we try and push my car back into the parking space... Remember now, it's still raining... ok so it wasn't moving so I run back to Sharon and we push my car back into the parking space and I have her run up and put it in park.

Ok so I get off the phone with my dad and we call AAA and wait for them to come. We decided that since its still raining and we are wet and cold, to go inside the Olive Garden to get some coffee. We go and sit at the bar and have some coffee.

The tow truck comes and Sharon goes out to meet him and I wait for our waitress to pay the bill and you know what she does? She says not to worry about. I'd had a bad enough day as it was. I thanked God for her and asked him to bless her in that moment. Because that was really nice of her.

Anyway the tow truck comes tows Mable (my car) away and Sharon and I head back to school.

It turns out it was my starter. So they've fixed it and I will pick her up tomorrow. For those of you who have had car problems you know the financial stress that comes with this. But thankfully my Poppa is taking care of it. He's so good to me.

So I'm without a car for a night but all in all it's been taken care of.

I'm drained, but grateful for the encouragement from people, the hugs, and the support. And for my awesome friends who have my back. And hopefully my beautiful Mabel the Sable will be back with me tomorrow.

The end.

Sincerely

2011-01-29T09:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you. I've gotten so caught up in things that have been going on in my life, I haven’t taken the time to be there for you. I haven’t even been praying for you like I should.

You see I've been going through this season of change and growth and learning. And one thing after another would pile on top of itself and I wasn't even getting the God time I needed to stay filled up. And because of that and my own selfishness I stayed away. Unconnected. Because I can’t help if I’m not filled.

So many things have been happening in my life and in my heart that I didn't have time to process and focus. I even forgot how to handle situations. I became sulky at points and melancholy. True I'm allowed to have off days. But months? that's not ok.

Recently I had been looking for a song I could sing that dealt with my situation. And all the songs I found really just egged on the frustration of the situation. Until today I simply put on some worship music and "How Great is our God" came on.. And I broke. I just cried. I'd forgotten to simply worship Him when trials come my way.

I was out with a friend yesterday and she just reminded me of how much I had changed over the past year. And it's true.. God's done so much work in me. This time last year I wasn't sure if I would be able to stay in the commons because I didn't know how I was going to pay rent. And I didn't have a job, or a car. I was in a different place mentally and spiritually. And I've grown and learned so much. I now have 3 jobs and a car. I just signed a lease for my first apartment. The financial situation with the school still hasn't changed but I have such peace about it. God's provided just like he said he would.

And yet in all that I've let some really minor things get me down. So I'm sorry. I'm suppose to be here for you. And even if not physically at least prayerfully. I'm sorry I haven’t the prayer warrior you came to know me as. I’m sorry if I've failed you as friends. I love you all so much and you all have impacted my life and who I am and how I've grown in ways you'll never even know.

Please accept my apology and know that I will be trying to do better. To be the friend you need.

Jess

High on Life

2011-01-20T20:41:00.001-08:00

So I went on vacation to the Bahamas… soooo much fun!!!!! I got a little burnt which is now turning into a tan :) andthen i get home and i get a car, i get cast in a Lab show!!!! WOOT WOOT! and things just start looking up!

But more than anything… I love being in shows… i’ve missed it so much. I’ve missed beat work and really developing my character and interacting with other actors… Acting just makes everything better.. yes i know the answer is now I cant i have rehearsal.. but you know what.. i’ve never minded saying that.. unless someone was like hey we’re going to Africa ya wanna come.. and then i’d be upset.. but.. i’m so happy right now..

this has been a crazy season.. and i’m very thankful for this little break i’m getting.

60 questions people dont ask

2010-12-11T18:50:00.000-08:00

When's the last time you ran? - Last Monday

Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? - only two of them

What are you dreading right now? - .... nothing

Do you celebrate 420? - I have no idea what that is.. so no.

Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? - not usually

If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do? - be lazy, play mario party, eat food, watch movies

Who last grabbed your ass? - Quinn

Have you ever been on your school's track team? - no.. my school never had one

Do you own a pair of Converse? - no.. but i want too

Did you copy and paste this survey? - sure did

Do you eat raw cookie dough? - yep.. its yummy

Have you ever kicked a vending machine? - yes

Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? - yes.. omygoodness yes

Do you watch Trading Spaces? - i use to when i watched Tv

How do you eat oreos? - twist like the creme and then put it back together and dip it in milk and eat... unless i dip it in peanut butter

Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? - yes

Are you cocky? - no

Could you live without a computer? - could i live without having my own computer? sure.. could i live withour having a computer ever? that would be more complicated

Do you wear your shoes in the house? - not generally

Who or what sleeps with you? - my pillows

At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? - i never believed in Santa

How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? - i have a cell phone and my roommate has a cell phone and so just 2

What do you do when you're sad? - it depends on what type of sad

Who would you call first if you won the lottery? - my parents?

Last time you saw your best friend? - my birthday

Are you in high school? - no

What jewelry are you wearing? - a ring

Is anyone on your bad side now? - no

What's the first thing you do when you get online? - uhm... check my email i think

Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? - on occasion

How do most people spell your name? - Jessica

Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? - yes

Where do you work? - Regent and Ruby Tuesday\'s

What are you doing tomorrow? - going to church, decorating the house, having devos and throwing a party

Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson? - uhm.. no i dont think so

Favorite name for a girl? - Dont have one

Favorite name for a boy? - Dont have one

Will you keep your last name when you get married? - no

When was the last time you left your house? - when i went to work.

Do you return your cart? - yes

Do you have a dishwasher? - yes

What noise do you hear? - music from How to Train your Dragon

Would you survive in prison? - yes

Who is the youngest in your family? - me

If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likey overpack? - uhm... i have no idea

Do you know anyone with the same name as you? - yes... lots of first names.. a couple last names

What's the last thing you purchased? - a stawberry silk smoothie

Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you? - uhm... sometimes they will

What brand are your pants right now? - ambercrombie and finch

Ever been to Georgia (the state)? - yes

What irritates you most on the internet? - spam and unwanted pop up ads

What brand is your digital camera? - i dont have one

Do you watch movies with your parents? - yes, when i\'m home

What song best describes your life right now? - i have no idea... ishould find one

Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? - no

Are you taking college classes right now? - no

Do you like sushi? - yes

Do you get your hair cut every month? - no

Do you go online everyday? - yes

Will you pass this survey on to 5 people? - no

Pulled Muscle

2010-11-02T20:29:00.001-07:00

Ever pulled a muscle? It’s painful right? How did you pull it? Were you carrying something that you weren’t suppose to be carrying… or was it something you’ve done over and over again but for some reason on that particular day your muscle just gave up and gave out…

It hurts, it’s soar and tender and sometimes you might want to cry because the pain is so excruciating. I know that feeling…. It happened to me today…

Today I was going about my business doing the same ol’ same ol’ when all of a sudden I pulled a muscle…. No I pulled the muscle.. the most singular important muscle.. pulled it so bad it fell right out of my chest… and then it just lay there in front of me. Stretched and strained from all the ware and tear from all the years of me using it the same way over and over again. Oh it got plenty of exercise.. but it just gave out and said I need a break and it just dropped out.

I stood there staring at it, crying my eyes out because it hurt so much. It was deep… how was it deep if it was out of my body you may ask? Because it had pulled some things with it as it fell out. I collapsed in a heap on the ground and wept and tried to calm myself from the pain of what had just happened… when all of a sudden there was a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and there he was. He was the best doctor in town and he had a special way of fixing pulled muscles. He knelt down beside me and examined the wound and then picked the muscle up off the ground. He said “Why this just wont due! You’ve worked this muscle until it was plum tuckered out!” I told him “I couldn’t help it. It was all I had, the only muscle that could do the job.” He smiled at me as he tossed the old muscle aside and then he reached in his bag and pulled something out. “Here” he said ”give this one a whirl, it’s much more stronger and bigger too. ”

He placed the muscle back in place, and just before he left he said “ Now don’t go straining that one like you did the other. It’s bigger and stronger to be sure, but its purpose is to help you let go”.

I stood there staring as he walked away. I was not in pain or anguish anymore. I walked away thinking how good the doctor was. For he had given me a gift, a secret to my health that I was determined to keep.

Day 29 In the past month what have I learned?

2010-10-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

Oh, I have learned to trust, to fight, to continue on, to press through the hard times and cling to my Father like my life depends on it, because it does. I’ve learned to love deeper, forgive sooner and let things go when they are out of my control. I learned I can be my worst enemy or my best friend.

I learned that I’m human and I’m not perfect. I learned to forgive myself during the hard times. I learned who my true friends are and I learned the difference between Holy of Holies friends and Outer courts friends. I’ve learned to think before acting or speaking and how to process through everything. I’ve learned to let loose and have fun, and I’ve learned to be serious and handle life.

It’s a lot to learn in one month I guess but it’s all been a little process here and there. This past month has brought me closer to God and closer to people. I’m one step closer to who I’m suppose to be.

If anything, from the craziness of this past month, I’ve grown. I’ve pressed into God and He’s held me. I haven’t been perfect, I’ve upset and hurt people this month, people I was close to, that I was suppose to love. I have no excuses for it. But what I learned was that the grace I extend towards others needs to be extended towards myself sometimes. We are always hardest on ourselves I think. At least I am, but if I step outside of myself I see the pain, the battle wounds, the desperate, lost little girl… but most of all I see the light that shines so bright from within. The peace that has come from the pain and strength that has arisen because of the circumstances. And it is not a beaten battered child standing before me but a beautiful Woman of God who can stand on her own two feet when all the world is falling upon her and still say everything’s going to be ok. We will get through this season and we will Rejoice as we’re going through it. Because that is who I am. Despite all my crap and baggage, I am stronger because I haven’t run when God called me out on something. I stood and took it and handled my business and then gave it back to Him. Because if anything I want to be the Woman he’s calling me to be.

Day 28 A picture of you last year and now. How have you changed since then?

2010-10-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

Last Year

This Year

Well since last year I have dyed my hair, cut my hair, gotten glasses (but only for reading), I have worked on some shows, I have gotten 3 jobs, I have moved off campus I have stopped going to college… I have fought and I have struggled, I have smiled and I have laughed, I have cried and I have screamed, I have been stretched in areas I didn’t know needed to be stretched. I have gotten closer with some people and farther with others. I have been pressed, shaken, stripped apart and yet I’m still here. Running the race that has been set before me. A day at a time and a prayer every moment… my life has been flooded but with God as my raft I’m making it through just fine.

Day 26 and Day 27

2010-09-30T19:03:00.001-07:00

Day 26 What do you think of your friends? (in no particular order and not all of them)

Jessie: The Bestest Bestie and twin a girl could ever have. We’ve been Besties since high school. She knows me better than anyone. She knows when I just need to be silly and when I need to be slapped. She sticks with me through think and thin and loves me even through my screw ups. She’s an amazing Woman of God and there aren’t words to describe my love and appreciation for her in my life. She’s a role model in so many ways, and I totally wish I could grow up t be as kind, caring and considerate as she is.

Tianna: A new Bestie but a Bestie all the same. She’s like a sister who I can share my crazy life with and she puts up with me and my silliness. She knows me extremely well too and she has no problem putting me in my place when I need to be put there. She’s blunt and weird and I love her oh so dearly for putting up with me. She’s fun and funny and has helped me grow so much spiritually. And I’m super excited to see how God will continue to stretch and grow our friendship.

Veronica: An Amazing Woman of God who has been an encourager, and up lifter in my life. She’s prayed for me, laughed with me, joked with me, and worked along side me. She’s another type of sister who has helped me grow in my walk with God and she has allowed me to pour into her life as well. She’s funny and quirky and I’m gonna miss her when she goes to California.

Sarah: An amazing prayer warrior and adventure seeker. Sarah prays like no one else I know. She’s sweet and caring and there for you when you need her. She’s also great for random adventures and fun picture taking. She’s a blessing in my life and fun to hang out with. I love that girl.

Juliette: JULES!!!! Love her!!! She’s my beach buddy. And my scream, dance, do what you need to do in the moment girl. We have so much fun whenever we’re together its ridiculous… a good ridiculous… and she’s the little sister I never had.

Ash: Costume Shop buddy! Ash is amazing and talented and goofy and weird too. She has her own taste in everything and it’s beautiful. She’s got a beautiful heart and I love spending time with her.

Dan: Dan was my very first friend at regent. We clicked really well. He’s been there for me on so many occasions. He’s the guy to go to if you want to meet new people because he can introduce you to a new person everyday if you wanted. He’s spontaneous and all around awesome.

Brielle: Beautiful girl who will get up & go when you need to do something spare of the moment. Loves God and does her best to reach out and be there amongst her crazy schedule. I love watching her grow in God and move forward in the direction he is taking her.

All my friends are pretty amazing and I love them and I love spending time with them in all shapes and forms that hanging time comes in J

Day 27 Why are you doing this 30 day challenge?

I was bored and wanted to do something since I don’t have homework... I need to exercise my brain a little and give people a better chan

Day 25... What you would find in my purse

2010-09-28T16:30:00.000-07:00

First I would like to say that you may have noticed I skipped day 24. Day 24 was a letter to my parents and I felt like that was very personal. So i'm moving forward to day 25 on day 25.

Well you will find an abundance of colorful pens, a wallet, lip gloss, chap stick, sunglasses, keys, cell phone, ibuprofen, a hair brush, hair bands, a notebook, my bible, my glass case with my glasses in it, feminine hygiene products, and depending on the week a pack of gum.

Those are the always things in my purse. Now for the other on occasion things you would find; my laptop, a book, batteries, floss, hair clips, passport, jewelry, water bottle, deodorant, wrappers and trash…. Yeah I think that’s the gist of it.

Day 23 Something you crave for a lot

2010-09-26T20:50:00.001-07:00

Uhm.. I'm not sure... if we are speaking of food.. I'd say.... well.... I haven't really craved food in a while but generally if there is a craving its either meat or chocolate.

If its like craving for something in general I tend to crave Jesus time, social time, and I want to go on a trip craving... so yeah.

Day 22... What makes you different from everyone else?

2010-09-25T20:44:00.001-07:00

Bahaha.. well I snort when I laugh, which though people do this, they don’t do it the way I do. I’m funny and quirky at times that are appropriate. I’m a lover, a fighter, a best friend, a playmate, a warrior, the back bone you need when you’ve lost your own, the hug that embraces, the one who cries with you, I wont take your crap and I’ll slap you when you need to be slapped. I am who I am and that’s all that I am. I’m a daughter of God and his precious princess, a strong mighty woman who puts God first in every decision.

I dream big and run far.

How are these different from any other you may ask? Because it has my own flair, my own unique Jessica Lynne Myers twist. Just get to know me and you’ll see how different I am. Yet I am who He says I am, and that’s good enough for me.

Day 21... A Picture of something that makes you happy

2010-09-24T21:51:00.001-07:00

Day 20.... ???

2010-09-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

Day 20 – Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.

Honestly, I haven’t met him yet. But I’ll be sure to let you know when I do. J

Day 19… nicknames I have and why I have them

2010-09-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

Jess- a common name used by many and all… I figure people just get lazy and don’t want to say a 3 syllable name.

Jessie- my parents gave me this name… it’s just another stem from Jessica

Tissie- a special nickname between me and my sister.

Ica- given to me by Alyssa, a girl on my S.A mission trip in ’04.

Icka- Tianna’s special nickname for me

Jess Mess- The nickname Jessie, my best friend, gave to me when we were coming up with nicknames. We actually have a a lot of nicknames but I seriously cannot write them all down here. This is the one that is the most used.

Nledi- my S.A name given to me by my translator. It means star, and he said he called me that because I was always singing and he hoped I became a big star one day.

Those are the main ones.

Day 16, 17 &18. Sorry I was so busy and wasn't close to internet.

2010-09-21T16:23:00.000-07:00

Day 16 –

Another picture of myself.. i really love this pic.. i feel like it expresses me in every way.

Day 17- a person you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

If I could take one day to switch lives with someone it would be… Mary on the day Jesus was hung on the cross. Why the mother of Christ? And why that day? Mary’s life has always fascinated me and even though that day is a very devastating day, I would want to see it, and have her memories of her son, of God’s son, and with all the love and yet know this is something that must happen. As devastating as the day was for Mary, I’d choose that day. Because as much as I know what he did for me and people reenact it all the time. We still take things for granted.

I want that day so I can see and have complete understanding, not just a head knowledge, but such a deep deep heart knowledge that would carry me forever. Of how much He loved me and how much God wanted me to be with him. And I’d choose Mary because she knew Jesus best. She knew what he was and she watched him grow into the man he was to be.

Day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have

Plans: I’ve come to try not to make to many plans because God seems to change them on me.

Dreams: I have so many dreams stored in my heart, I don’t even know what they all are. But God does and he’ll bring them to pass when He sees fit.

Goals: Get through today, Prepare for tomorrow, and seek God everyday in all things.

Day 14 & 15

2010-09-18T18:21:00.001-07:00

Day 14 A picture of my family minus Elisha who was sleeping.

Thanksgiving 2009

Starting in the back left hand row is my Mom, Nana, Granddaddy, Poppa

Second Row starting on the left: Joshua, Kera, Ami in her lap, Christina holding Elijah, Lisa holding Sarah, Darlene holding Micah, Jeremiah

Front Row: My best friend and me.

Day 15 Ipod on shuffle first 10 songs... I dont have an ipod so my itunes on shuffle with the first 10 songs :)

Halfway Around the World- A*teens
Onward Christian Soldiers - African Children's Choir Zambia
Meant to Be- Jadon Lavik
Gone- Switchfoot
Without Love - Hairspray Soundtrack
Notice me Horton - Seussical the Musical
When I Dream at Night - Marc Anthony
Miracles Happen- Myra
It's Called Christmas with a Capital C - Go Fish
Spinnin' Around- Jump 5

Day 13.. a letter to someone who hurt you.

2010-09-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Whomever,

You have hurt me. You befriended me and I befriended you and they with as easily as the waves crash on the shore you have turned around and left me. I thought we were close, I thought we were closer than close. But apparently what it seems was I was just a crutch for a moment. I was there and so you used me, and then I wasn’t needed anymore so you dropped out of my world.

I wont put all the blame on you. I know I have my faults too. I got caught up in my own little whirlwind of crazy things happening in my life. I’m not that great of a texted or caller. But it seems that neither are you once a little distance is put between us. So I’m not blaming you for anything. I will share the blame… but I needed you and you weren’t there for me. We were supposed to be true friends but I guess it was just for a moment because you have your friends and I have mine.

I want to say I’ve forgiven you, and part of me has… time and time again I have forgiven you. And time and time again I’ve been let down. I know That Christ would keep forgiving. But I’m not Christ and this cut has been made to deep, so I give you to Christ, I give my hurt to Christ and He will have to forgive you for me until I can truly forgive you myself.

I don’t wish bad things upon you, I still love you, but I cant play the games anymore and I wont be vulnerable anymore. And when major things happen in my life don’t be upset that you didn’t know because you lost that right when you dropped me. Yes I still consider us friends, but the Holy of Holies moment is gone, and I now se that we are really just outer court friends. And that’s ok. Please continue to move on with your life and I do pray God blesses it.

Jessica

P.S. This letter is not directed toward any one person. And I know it may cause some drama, but I don’t care. I’m gonna be honest in my blogs. And honestly folks, we are all adults here, lets act like it.

P.S.S. If you feel that I have possibly dropped you or treated you poorly, then I am sorry my friend. It was surly not my intention. Please forgive me for being a jerk and a bad friend.

Day 12... How I found out about Blogger and why I made one.

2010-09-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

I found out about the blogger.. well Regent Blogger by searching the Regent website before I went to Regent. I decided I wanted one because I remember as a prospective student I didn’t see any theatre major’s up who could tell me what life at Regent was like. I originally started it so that I could let those students know what was school life like, and what was theatre life like.

Sorry Blogger, I have failed you.

Day 10 and 11

2010-09-14T16:34:00.001-07:00

Day 11

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

So I’m sure people have songs for each of these emotions but to be honest for me it varies and yet is very much the same. My music is generally Christina and on the occasion secular. But I don’t have any Fav songs for these emotions. Really I tend to put my music on random. SO yeah….

Day 9... Something I'm proud of...

2010-09-12T17:19:00.000-07:00

in the past few days I have.... threaded a surger, been there for more than one friend, praised Jesus, stepped out of my comfort zone....

Day 8

2010-09-11T19:41:00.001-07:00

Day 8… Short term goals for this month (not in any particular order)

1. Survive

2. Figure out steady payment plan for tuition

3. Grow closer to God

4. Buy a table

5. Get my Guinea Pig Chakita

6. Loose 10 lb.

7. Loose 1 more inch.

8. Get more involved in church

I think those are my short term goals… yep

Day 7.. Picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact n your life.

2010-09-10T21:38:00.000-07:00

These two beautiful ladies are my two best friends. Jesus is the one who has made the biggest impact in my life, but these two God fearing woman come second at this season of my life.

Day 6.. Favorite Superhero

2010-09-09T21:24:00.000-07:00

My favorite super hero is…. Rogue from X-men… why? Because, I always liked her. I felt like our personalities were the same and technically Rogue could have any power she wanted considering she could touch you and have their same power… I found this amazing… and I mean she wears green my favorite color, and she can fly… which I always wanted to do… yep… Rogue was always my favorite. LOVE HER!

Day 5... Picture of a place i've been

2010-09-08T18:41:00.001-07:00

The Sundial Bridge in Redding, CA... good times :)

Day 4... A habit I wish I didn't have

2010-09-07T14:36:00.000-07:00

I have several of those…

I wish I didn’t bite my nails.

I wish I wasn’t awful at keeping up with long distance communication.

I wish I didn’t constantly say the phrase “I was like, I was like” when I’m retelling a story.

I wish I didn’t bite my lip when I’m in deep thought.

I have this thing when I’m sitting or relaxing that my feet are crossed and the foot on the top rotates.. I don’t even notice I do it sometimes.

This one gets on peoples nerves… I have a habit of while I’m sitting I shake my leg, and not literally but its that more twitching of my knee up and down... Especially when sitting at a table…

That's all I can think of at the moment.

Day 3 Picture of Friends

2010-09-06T07:40:00.000-07:00

Day 2

2010-09-05T12:12:00.001-07:00

The meaning behind my Blogger name Jessica’s Blog… well my name’s Jessica and this blog was set up under Regent so that students could share about there student life and perspective students could read about what life on campus was like.

Day 1...

2010-09-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

1. My name is Jessica Lynne Myers and God gave my parents my name 2 years before I was born.

2. My eyes are hazel.

3. My best friend’s name is Jessica also.

4. I went to a performing arts high school.

5. I’m the youngest of 4.

6. I have never dated.

7. 7 is my favorite number.

8. I snort when I laugh.

9. I’d really prefer to marry African royalty.

10. I don’t like geese.

11. My favorite color is green.

12. I love playing in the rain.

13. I just want to travel the world for a while.

14. I love a hot shower any time of the day.

15. I find sewing to be a calming experience.

Blog challenge for myself

2010-09-04T11:04:00.001-07:00

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

Day 02- The meaning behind your Blogger name

Day 03- A picture of you and your friends

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

Day 06- Favorite super hero and why

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends

Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Day 14- A picture of you and your family

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

Day 16- Another picture of yourself

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else

Day 23- Something you crave for a lot

Day 24- A letter to your parents

Day 25- What I would find in your bag

Day 26- What you think about your friends

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned

Day 30- Who are you?

The valley is up ahead...

2010-08-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

This past summer has been a crazy ride, but now summer is over and school has started back up again. However this time, I wont be joining the classes.

I work in the costume shop and in the box office so I’ll still be involved, but I wont be in class.

Also I am not living in the commons this year. I visited the commons tonight and it brought back such a rush of memories, but at the same time.. it feels very different from last year… as it should.

The reason for me telling you all this is that.. basically this has been a very emotional summer for me. It’s been a very trusting in God summer for me. To a degree I never had before, which is good, but I’ve been through the fire I feel more than once and I’ve felt broken more then once.

However tonight I feel was my final breaking point. The point where everything hit me and I went through every emotion.

I came home and was talking with my roommate, and amongst our conversation we laughed we vented our frustrations, anger and hurt about so many things happening, and then we laughed. However I could not stop laughing and then the laughing turned in to violent tears and crying.. I thought I had calmed myself and on my way to the kitchen t put my plate in the dishwasher I all of a sudden just collapsed and started laughing and crying again.

My roommate wasn’t really sure what to do so she called my best friend and Jessie knew right away, that this was my breaking point. You see this has happened to me once before on a youth retreat where God hit me so hard I couldn’t stop laughing and I couldn’t move for several hours.

So my roommate just left me on the floor because there wasn’t really anything else to do, and I laid there in the fetal position crying, and I talked to God and balled my eyes out. It was a heavy deep in my chest kind of cry. And I just let it all out.

Change has always been hard to me. And when plans that I thought were set in stone don’t work out I stress a little. But this month I really have been feeling peace about school. However there have many other things to occur in my life that having nothing to do with school.

But it was all released tonight in that 40 minute craziness. This is a brand new year, and it has so many new opportunities available in it. My journey is a unique one. One that is meant to teach and mold and prepare me for my destiny. So through all the friendships, all the hardships, all the crap and happy times, it’s apart of what God is doing. He’s allowing me to be stretched and tested and broken

And the process has sucked my friends.

But the clearing is up ahead and it’s a beautiful sight. And I am coming out of this season with my head held high and the expectation of the future.

Update on life...

2010-07-20T15:47:00.000-07:00

So Update;

I have been struggling attending Regent due to tuition. God blessed me with an amazing year. And it was an amazing learning experience, but I struggled financially. Unlike most students I do not have a co-signer for a loan. And to be honest my family and I do not agree with co0signing because of the scripture that talks about not putting your neighbor in debt. So I worked on scholarships and such but didn’t get anything. I looked all year for a job and didn’t get one until school was out. Well Regent kept sending me letters and calling asking me if I knew I had an outstanding balance. I kept in touch with me financial advisor thinking that she was a go between, but then I got busy with finals and dropped the ball. Well Regent gave my account to a collection agency and because the agency gets 25% they raised my tuition price $2500. So my father got prepaid legal involved and we are trying to settle this. I know I owe regent the money, we are just disputing the extra that was tacked on. Plus trying to figure out payments considering I barley make enough to pay my monthly rent, food, and gas, I’m running out of options. Oh did I mention this affects my credit report? Yep this hits my credit report this Thursday on the 22^nd. Although thankfully my lawyers sent the collection agency a letter so on my credit report it should only say that there is a dispute going on. In the mean time I’m collecting any and all paperwork I signed and got from Regent concerning finances. It’s a sticky situation.

How am I feeling? I have my good days and my not so good days. God is defiantly teaching me to rely only on him and he’s building my faith. I keep thinking of how I’d survive in Africa with no money or bare minimum... because I am cutting back a lot and living on as little as possible.

I’ve been looking at things I could do, I sent out support letters but never heard anything back. I don’t even know if people did anything with them. But that’s ok I did what I felt God wanted me to do. At the moment I’m at a stand still and just waiting.

There’s a lot of varying factors and this can go in so many directions.

As far as school goes I can’t return until it’s all paid off, understandably. So I’m just gonna be living here for a while working I guess. It’s a predicament to be sure. But God has a plan and I’m trusting in Him because there’s really not much I can do.

And no I cant get another loan because of the co-signer thing, no I cant get a grant at least I haven’t been able to as of yet, and a scholarships will only cover this upcoming year not this past year. So thinking of fundraisers and things I could sell that would give me some money to start paying off the debt.

Any suggestions are welcomed and of course prayer is always welcomed.

Thanks for listening to my splurge J Have a great day!

What I found inside myself...

2010-07-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

Distraction- that which distracts, divides the attention, or prevents concentration…

I’ve gotten distracted from why God sent me here. I got distracted from the promise God made me. I lost my focus.

Insipid- Lacking qualities that excite, stimulate, or interest; dull.

I found my life to be insipid. I got distracted by insipidity. How can that happen? Well I stopped looking ahead and started focusing on the now. In a bad way.

Purpose- the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used…

I was made for a purpose. God told me to come here for a purpose. I loss track of that by getting all caught up in everyone else’s business.

Dear friends, bloggers, readers. I’m human. I am not perfect. I care, a lot, and have allowed people to take that for granted. I feel intensely… I am an artist and so therefore emotion is a huge part of my life. I care for all of you, but I cant always be there and give you advice. And to be honest, it gets exhausting sometimes. And I get all caught up more because I feel like nothing is happening in my life. But it’s not true. I lied to myself. I allowed myself to get distracted because I didn’t want to face those things that I knew I needed to deal with.

It’s true that I did have many things I learned and dealt with this last year and many of, if not all, of you have helped in one way or another. But there was something that I continued to struggle with that I kept pushing aside thinking that it was me trusting God. But I wasn’t. I was scarred and didn’t have answers so I ignored the problem hoping by some providence that it would handle itself. But it didn’t. And now its come to this…

My name is Jessica Myers. I am not perfect. And money and finances scare me. No, they terrify me. Well they did. Then one day I finally sat down and told God my real problem. And I was ashamed of what I said. It was horrible and disrespectful to the great God that I serve. But you know what he did, he told me “thank you, thank you for finally being honest.” He knew all along what my problem was. And he just held me as I cried it all out. And then he looked me in the face and reminded me of what he had already done. And He showed me why He was gonna take care of me. Not how, but why… It’s really the most important thing ever, I think, for every situation where I doubt in Him. Where we doubt in Him.

Love. He loves us. How cliché I know, but I’ve come to the point several times in my life where I realized that I didn’t actually understand His love for me. And I don’t mean mentally. I can rationalize and theologize it over and over. But when I move past the intellectual and move into those deep parts of my heart that I hide from even myself, I find that I don’t understand His love for me.

And now, I wont say that I 100% do know his love, because if I did I think I would be a very different person. But I understand it on a new level and I know that as I grow, I will continue to learn and better understand this love he has for me.

I’m not scarred anymore of what’s going to happen with this situation in my life. If it’s taken to court then its taken to court. God will give me favor and grace. He will honor his promise to me. To take care of me. No matter what.

Summer fun

2010-06-29T10:24:00.000-07:00

Last summer- Valley of the Giants. Amazing.... love summer adventures

It's not over

2010-06-25T22:22:00.000-07:00

Hey Friends. It’s been a little while since I updated.

I'm still working at Ruby Tuesdays. And to be honest I had almost given up hope on possibly attending Regent in the fall. However because God loves me he has put it in my friend’s hearts to fundraise for me. I'm so honored that they care so much to help me graduate. And also today I heard news that my academic advisor might have a plan on me attending in the fall. I have to set up a meeting with him to here these details but I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I want to attend classes in the fall, but it's hard for me to see right now.

When God asked me if I would be ok with not going to class in the fall, I felt like it meant not going. I know sometimes just asks to see what we say or do, but under my circumstances it was very believable. And now... I was looking at some old writings of mine on another blog and God's asked me to give u a dream before. And so it wasn't a surprise. But then I had to sit and ask myself do I really believe I serve a God who keeps taking me away from the dreams he's placed in me? God doesn't want to see me fail.

Most everybody has there own hurts and trust issues. And to each person its deep and personal and not something we think other people can understand. This is how I feel. I mistrust God with my future because I've been hurt so deeply. And God was protecting me in those times I just couldn't see it. I sit here and ask myself how much is God gonna ask me to sacrifice and give up? And then I realized, He asked for all of it.

It’s such a deep slap in the face when you think you're giving your all to God and then you see how much of your flesh you've actually held back. You see yourself in a whole new light. However you can’t dwell on it and have a spiritual pity party. It’s a painful process peeling of the layers of flesh and laying them on the alter and simply trusting God to be Himself, God… the creator and maker of the universe and the lover of your soul.

So I have 8 weeks before school starts again and I believe God can change things. How I thought my life at Regent was going to be certainly isn’t the case… but it’s not time for me to leave yet. I still have learning to do, and I still have lives to touch.

Jeremiah 29:11

Update on life...

2010-06-09T20:53:00.001-07:00

So update on my life… I’m looking for a second job because Ruby Tuesday just isn’t going to cut it. I’ve applied at the school for three different positions. I’m concerned that the fact that I’m not in good financial standing is gonna be a problem but I’m praying through it. I mean I need a job in order to pay off tuition. I have some great friends though. My friend Julie has been coming up with ideas and ways to get me money to give the school. At the moment we are working on getting some kids together to do a car wash. I’m excited about it. And I feel honored to have friends care so much about my college education.

In other news. I’m going to the eye doctor on Friday. Secret about me… I’m not a fan of the eye doctor. I asked Tianna to accompany me because I dislike it that much. I haven’t been to the eye doctor in so long. I want to say maybe since I was 13 or 14… maybe earlier… I’m not sure. Ok so I’m a little scared. More because I’m scarred they’ll tell me I need glasses. I know glasses aren’t a big deal anymore. But I’ve had perfect vision since I was a little girl. But I have noticed I’ve had more headaches and I’ve been squinting at my computer and when I read. So they may just be reading glasses, but still. I find it interesting that this would bother me. But I really took my perfect eyesight for granted. No I did more than that. It is a hit to my pride in a sense. I was always so proud that I was the only in my family who didn’t need glasses. Although I have been told that its normal for kids need to get glasses once they reach college because their reading has enhanced. That’s weird that because I read more I need glasses. But oh well. If I need glass then I’ll need glasses. And I’ll just get over it, because it really isn’t a big deal.

So Sarah and I have been reading Shakespeare and going through this Shakespeare book. And it really has been great. And we practiced tap. I miss tap. I miss dancing. I also got her and Jen to give me contacts for voice lessons. I’m not sure I can afford it but I’m at least gonna look at it. I miss singing and I want to get my voice back up to par.

I really think that’s it for right now. Nothing crazy. Same ol same ol.

Yes I’m still working on the being content in the moment thing and not rushing ahead. It’s a hard thing for me to do, but I really do need to enjoy just this moment. Even if it’s a boring moment. Because I think I take life for granted. And I need to take it all in and really enjoy my life, even if its not where I thought I’d be or where I’d thought I’d be. I need to accept it and enjoy it.

i want to win a free trip to Africa

2010-06-07T11:38:00.000-07:00

http://freeafricatrip.com/?fbid=7yX4DqThTHt

How He Loves Us

2010-06-04T22:51:00.000-07:00

He is jealous for me – God, the creator of the universe, is jealous for me… FOR me… not OF me, but FOR… meaning he created me, he has plans and purposes for me, he wants to just spread his love on me… he is fiercely protective of his children and He wants us to be faithful to him as creator-

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree – God’s love is like a hurricane… a hurricane- a violent wind, uproar or force… and we are trees in a hurricane… God’s love comes in and sweeps us up, uproots us, and surrounds us…-

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy-being shaped under his protection into all that he has us to be, taking out our heart and replacing it with his…-

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory- when the glory comes down and it’s no longer me, but God, moving within me… and I get what I call Jesus jerks…-

And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me- becoming fully aware of your excellence and how intense you feel about me…-

Oh, How he loves us so.

Oh, How he loves us

How He loves us so.- He has affection for us, even more so he finds pleasure in us.

Yeah, He loves us

Woah, How He loves us

Woah, how He loves.- Once again it’s so great it has to be repeated over and over in order for us to understand not just with our heads but with our hearts…-

So we are His portion- each one of us is a single part of a bigger group…-

And he is our prize- we get Him when we strive for Him…-

Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes- we see favor (approval) in his eyes and it draws us to repent and seek after him…-

If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking- if God’s favor were an ocean.. an OCEAN people, then we are being submerged into his grace which is his favor for us, fully covered, drowning…-

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss- the sky and the ground meet in a passionate collision…-

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest- you’ve come to the full realization of how intense God feels for you..-

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way- I cannot continue to be sad or disappointed in my past actions or myself when I really direct my mind to understand…-

That he loves us.

Woah, How He loves us,

Woah. How He loves us,

Woah How He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,

Woah, How He loves us,

Woah. How He loves us,

Woah How He loves.

I do not think we can fully contain God’s love, because its so magnificent it could crush us. We cannot in our human bodies hold the power of God… but he does le us have sips of it.. and as we get use to the sips he’ll start letting us have sippy cups of it, then regular cups, then moving to pints, quarts and gallons… but its so intense and the more we walk into it, and walk in it, the farther we will be able to relate to this world we live in.. so if you cant handle people thinking you’re crazy, then walk away now, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride and God has crazy things in store but you have to be willing to give your all, and not care about anyone else’s opinion.

Are you ready to jump?

15 Random Thoughts

2010-05-29T21:41:00.000-07:00

People are silly complex beings whom God loves... but sometimes I just don’t understand why.

2. I was in Food Lion today and a little girl who looked exactly like Dora the Explorer was sitting in one of the carts that looked like a car and a police officer was hovering around.. I thought odd…. Come to fine out the little girl had been left L she had to of been no more then 2 or 3.

3. I’ve been rather emotional this week which only means one thing, my end of sentence punctuation is coming soon :/

4. I have this crazy love for learning, watching, and performing Shakespeare but when it comes to actually reading it I sometimes get bored….

5. I owe Regent $8000. I have no idea how I’m going to pay them so that I can take classes in the fall.

6. God asked me a week or two back if I’d be ok with not going back to Regent for a semester… I have yet to give him an answer.

7. I realized that I have been desperately trying to replace a friendship from my past with people in my present. This isn’t ok because I can never have that friendship back again, and I need to be happy with the friendships I make as they are not make them into something else.

8. I’m always trying to jump ahead and I need to spend more time enjoying the moment I’m in.

9. I use to be so passionate about my dreams and God’s plan for me… and now I’m in this place of… almost complacency… I don’t think it’s ok to be complacent.

10. There is a person who has made me feel used. They came around a lot and many things happened and we got close... and then they disappeared… leaving me wondering… oh so many things…

11. I have this crazy thing for lemons… so crazy I get tempted to just grab a lemon from the basket at work and bite into it.. but I don’t because it’s for the water’s and tea’s.

12. I don’t understand why everyone is breaking up… I mean seriously... what is up with all of that?

13. I know this may sound odd… but I really do enjoy spending time with homosexuals… I mean yes I know God is disgusted with there lifestyle… but he loves them.. and I do too… they can be so much fun… when they aren’t stuck on sex and lust.

14. There are so many people I should be praying for… who have asked me to pray for them… but lately I have not interceded on there behalf like I should have. I mean I still pray… but that intense intercession has not occurred.

15. I have a childhood dream that I haven’t let go of yet… I want to marry an African prince… and go save his country one play at a time.

May lessons

2010-05-24T17:45:00.001-07:00

So I didn’t get the part in The Secret Garden but it was fun auditioning and it was good to get out of Regent. I’m going to continue to look up auditions in the area and try out. Really get myself out there you know?

In other news I got to go home for a night and a day. That was really good for me to see my family. We caught up on everything. I stayed up until 3 talking to my cousin and then my nephews woke me up at 7… fun… I was tired but it was good to be at my home church on the day of Pentecost. And to see everyone. I surprised my parents. They weren’t expecting to see me. That was fun J

Something I’ve noticed for a while is my sisters attitude towards me. She loves me I know but she’s always trying to compete with me for my parents attention. As a matter of fact she competes with me for everyone’s attention. I mean I had just gotten home and instead of talking about all that had been occurring in my life my sister was talking about things that occurred when she lived in Texas. I don’t tend to care as in it doesn’t hurt me. I’m not really into competing for attention anymore.. it just makes me so sad for her that she has to be that way. And my sister is very sarcastic and outspoken but when you’re sarcastic with her or dish to her what she dishes to you she gets offended. She’s 25 and has 5 year olds tantrums. It makes me so sad that my sister and I use to be close then we grew apart because she matured and now we’re separate because I’m more mature. It’s so strange. She used to be someone I would look up to but now I just pity her.

And its true that I get a bigger reaction out of people when I return from somewhere but I mean she’s been in Texas for 3 years and no one really knows her. She’s been back for 3 months and still hasn’t connected with anyone in the church. It’s so sad.

In other things… I’m glad I’m living here in Va Beach for the moment. People asked if I was home for the summer and being home I saw how I’d been fine and happy at home. But at the same time I knew I was suppose to be her for the moment. It’s like my sister and I have traded places. I’m now out of the house and living on my own going to school and working. And my sister is home.

I sometimes wonder if I’ve made a judgment or inner vow when I was little that I need to take care of.

I use to look up to my sister and then I didn’t want to be anything like her… an now I just pity her.. they way she is… the way she’s become. I know being at home will be good for her. I really hope to see her grow being at church.

Anyway moving on. Things I’ve learned and something that God has been working on me is that I’m never content in the moment and I’m always trying to jump ahead to something new.. but I rush my life away that way.. so I’m working on being happy in the moment and really just enjoying everything as it comes and not trying to rush to the next thing.. I realize I’m less stressed this way

Also I’ve realized how chill it is when I don’t know everybody’s business.. I mean I care about my friends and of course I want to be there for them but I realize.. well I’ve known for a while that I live through others people vicariously and need to stop doing that because I have my own life and need to focus on it. And I’m a lot less stressed when I don’t know everything about everyone…. I’m such a burden barer.

This time in my life is just very… relaxing and free.. and that’s good.

Oh the day I've had

2010-05-10T21:19:00.000-07:00

So today I went to the library, got a bunch of books and songbooks for my audition tomorrow. Went to work orientation where I watched movies and filled out more paperwork and got my schedule for the next week.

Then came home grabbed some food, made my friend Geoffrey a going away card and then headed over to his party. It was a very chill group. We at first just sat around and talked and then watched a rather funny comedian whose name leaves me at the moment. And then we played the game Scene It? I was not good at this game but Geoffrey was and he won the game, which is good considering it was his going away party. Then it was suggested we go on an adventure. And it was up to Geoffrey and he wanted to go explore the COMM building. Well there were only 2 COMM students in the entire group. So we went and our keys were shut off sadly… However I used my sneaky skills and got us into the COMM building and in and around different places that Geoffrey had always wanted to see. It was quite exciting showing a bunch of non-theatre kids around. It was fun watching their faces and seeing the realities of the life I live. It was so much fun.

But then I had to say goodbye as they went to explore Regent for the last time.

On my way home I talked to my friend Travis and wished him a happy birthday and that was good to hear his voice again.

Now I’m going to attempt to do an 8min ab workout, spend time with God, and sleep… yep that is my plan J

New Home, New Relationship, Growth Amongst It All

2010-05-04T16:53:00.000-07:00

This new home that I’m living in is very interesting. My room is nice and probably the biggest room I’ve ever lived in... no Smoke Tree was probably the same size I just never new it with 3 people living in it. But anyway.. I made the room all me and I love it.

The people I live with, are cookie and crazy and fun and funny and weird and just all around a bunch of fun. First there’s Derrick. He and I share a bathroom. Derrick is a strange one but I love him for his strangeness. He’s got black hair piercings and tattoo’s. But he loves Jesus like crazy and he’s fun to be around. He’s a drama queen. He loves shopping and he’s all about his appearance. He’s not arrogant or egotistical... he’s just… Derrick. I haven’t had much opportunity to get to know him considering how little he’s home. But when we have talked he seems cool. We have these fake fights like a brother and sister and slam our bedroom doors at the same time.

At times it feels like Derrick and I are Tianna and Andrew’s kids, which is ironic considering both Derrick and I Are older then Andrew and Tianna. But it’s a fun little family dynamic. I’m learning to like it.

And then comes Andrew, Tianna’s husband. He’s a funny guy. He seems shy at first. But he’s just as corky and silly so perfect for Tianna. They really are cute together.

And then comes Tianna. My crazy friend. Tianna is becoming one of my best friends and she is so much fun. She has her moments but so do I and we have had our moments of rubbing up against each other, but we work it out. God is really stretching both of us in this relationship. Which is good. I need friends who will challenge me and stretch me and will sharpen me. I love Tianna and her craziness. It allows me to remember that I’m crazy and I’m slowly letting the edge go and be cool and chill… like I am at home with my family. I could be that person in the commons.. it didn’t feel homey I guess… it didn’t feel like a real apartment… it was a dorm.

But I really do love this home that I’m in. Every one loves Jesus and even though there are times of frustration we work really well together. I love all of them and look forward to this summers adventures.

Also Praise the Lord, it looks like I have a job at Ruby Tuesdays. YAY!!!! Praise God!!! Because I really need this job. I’m hoping I can still audition at community theatres. I’m learning to expect God to do what I ask him to do. It’s something I use to do but then I forgot or backtracked or something. But as I said in previous posts.. this is a new season where God and I are working on our relationship. Where I expect God to show up in my life. I expect the supernatural. I expect the favor he has already given me. God is so good and I forgot so many times this past semester to thank him for the little things. Look for Him in the small things of my day. But that’s what I’m doing again.

So here I am in my new season and God is blessing. And I’m so honored and privileged in his love and blessing. I so don’t deserve all that Christ has and is doing for me and their isn’t enough praise that could come out of my lips for it all. There aren’t words to express my love and gratitude in my great big God.

I love you God, Abba Father! You e so awesome and I just give you praise for all you’ve done, all you’re doing, and all that you’re going to do in my life in the near and far future!!!

My new Adventure

2010-05-03T10:31:00.001-07:00

So I’m all moved out of the commons and moved into my new home. My room’s all set up and I have grocery’s and I’m basically all settled in…. which is nice. Its nice being off campus for a while.

Now however is my mad dash search for a job. I’ve applied to several places and am hoping to get a job by the end of the week. I’ve talked to a couple people who have gotten jobs really quickly so I have hope and anticipation on that end.

I’m excited about this new adventure I’m about to embark on. I’ve also started looking for audition opportunities in the area and am going to start auditioning, just to have the experience and see where it takes me.

This means I need to work on my resume and get my headshot more professional looking.

It’s gonna be a rough road but I’m excited to take it. I get all excited about this new adventure and what God has in-store for me. This is going to be a good season. A new season, learning new things. Being stretched and tested… Or maybe this will be a resting period for me. Where God and I can just work on our relationship. I think that is apart of what this new season is. Refocusing on our relationship.

To be honest I got caught up in all the drama of the commons and its really not healthy for me… especially since I don’t like drama. I’m to much of a burden barer to bein up in everyone’s business.

It’ll be good to have some distance, and be more on my own.

Now a car and a job is what I need.

Thank you Lord for providing for me needs before I even ask for them J

End of the year

2010-04-30T19:03:00.001-07:00

It’s the end of the year and I’m all packed up and moving out this evening. It’s been a an amazing year and though I’ve had my tough moments, I’ve loved it. It’s been a good growing season. I’ve been stretched in places I didn’t know I could stretch. But God has been faithful to me, even in my low moments where I gripped and complained. He’s so good to me still.

My summer plans? Get a job. My life has been thrown into a loop these past two weeks but I was reminded to keep looking at this as my adventure. My life adventure that I dreamed and fantasized about all growing up. And now here I am… not where I thought I’d be, or doing what I thought I’d be doing. But I am happy. I’m taking it moment by moment and asking God to reveal himself in these moments.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

This scripture is probably one of my favorites because it reminds me of several things. 1. I’m not in control. 2. God has a better plan for my life then I do. 3. All I have to do is seek him out, and he’ll be there for me.

God is still God

2010-04-25T09:43:00.000-07:00

Here I am at the end of this year. This past college experience has been... well an experience. I've met amazing people and God's challenged me in many different ways. As I pack up my things and look at the new adventure I'm about to embark on as the summer rolls around I think back to where I was a year ago. How I've always marveled at peoples stories of things they've done in there past and here I am looking at where I've been and what I've done so far and I'm seeing how our stories form and how they make us what we are.

I was stressing these past couple of months about so many things, and now that the things I was stressing about are here I'm not as stressed as I should be. Or thought I would be. I have wonderful people in my life who have this amazing ability of keeping me on my feet and not allow me to go crazy and over think things. And remind me of the way I use to look at these situations happening around me.

Moving is an adventure, and though it has its scary moments... I think to what my dreams are. Of traveling and ministering... and this here little moment scarred me? Then when God brings my dreams around what would I do with them? How would I respond in the transition time?

I've caught myself going back into old habits and I'm fighting it. God's called me to this adventure and I have to look at it with excitement and passion and not fear. This is going to be a good season. This has been a good season. God is still God, and I am his daughter.

tired

2010-04-17T07:33:00.001-07:00

film shoots are exhausting.... just incase you were unaware of it

Process

2010-04-14T22:49:00.000-07:00

It always the same thing.. Satan always hits me with everything at the same time. And he waits until I'm tired and exhausted to do it. To when I'm already at a weak vulnerable spot. And it gets me down. I would be lying if I said it wasn't a downer. But through my struggle I remember his promises that I am his child. That he loves me and has great plans for me. And even though this is a broken season a season where i feel like I'm being stripped and stretched and pulled in every direction, it's going to be a good thing. And Satan only attacks because he's scared of the God thing that's coming.

I'm working on my relationships and trying to be more open and honest instead of hiding like I tend to do and yes even though I brush a lot of things off my shoulders, it's not all healthy to do. I don’t always have to be strong and tough. And it scares me to be in this place of brokenness but I need it. I need t to see the things God wants me to get rid of. The deep things that I didn’t realize still had root in my life.

This is a painful season and adding school and friends and family and all of there things into the mix doesn’t make it easier. But it's a good a pain. The pain you feel after your body's had a good work out. It hurts but you know that it means things are changing in your body and you're getting healthier and better fit. These are the same spiritual pains I seem to have of late.

Uncomfortable, draining and exhausting, but good pain. Pain, that once I get through with it and breathe through it, I will be a stronger person. A different person. A better person.

It took me a while to see what this process was but I see it now. And seeing that its going to be good in the end is why I’m still fighting and sticking with it. Because if I give up now... then Satan wins. And if I give up now.. I’m saying that I didn’t trust God to take care of me and to provide for me. if i give up then I’m saying that I don’t believe God is who he says he is and that he wont keep his word to me. Me call God a liar? The thought devastates my spirit man.

I know how good my God is. And I know he would never give me anything I couldn’t handle. And I know that even when I can’t seem to hear what he's saying… He’s still by my side… He’s still in every breeze and every laugh and every moment I take to see what he's created. And what he's already done in my life.

I'm in my process, and I’m not the only one in this place. I'm not alone. God didn’t create us to handle things alone. And that's good.

No.

That's great.

Hank you God for being me God, and taking care of me and protecting me even in my own mistakes.

Love Jessica

Random Blah's

2010-03-31T20:19:00.000-07:00

I don’t like being this way. I’m so disconnected. I feel like I spent all that time and being stretched and getting fine-tuned and I was fine tuned but somehow I got out of tune. I don’t know if I got to busy, or distracted or if I just stopped listening. I didn’t stop listening… but I did get distracted.

Here I am, on this emotional roller coaster, wanting to cry but not being able to. At what I thought was my breaking point. But it’s not. I can still handle more and when I started opening my mouth and stopped being scared that I would make the wrong decision… by communicating I felt better… and the situation isn’t worse.. its better and something I don’t have to be concerned about anymore.

I realize that relationships are more important to me than my school work, than theatre. I mean I love theatre, but people are always gonna be in my life and if things aren’t right with them, I cant focus… but if homework isn’t done or I’m falling behind in schoolwork or whatever… I can brush it off.

I’m a very compassionate person, and I care so deeply for people. And I have no problem saying I love you to people bc I honestly do love them. I love then how Christ loves them and its an intense passionate love.. not as in being in love with someone.. but just loving on them. I’m honored that my friends want to protect me and my family wants to protect me and I want to be protected, but I listen so hard and really think through what people are telling me and I decide for myself if I agree. If it really is for me or if parts of it are for me. Discernment is something I’m constantly working on. Discerning whats God and whats not God and discerning whats for now and whats for later.

As much of an independent person I am, I’m also very indecisive. Decisions scare me bc I don’t want to make mistakes and getting caught in a trap. and I realize that its good to make mistakes because that’s how I can learn but I try and learn from other peoples mistakes so I wont make the same ones. I don’t want to make a mistake that will make back track. Or be stuck for a season. I only have one direction I’m allowed to go and that is forward.

But I still have to decide how I will go about handling my business… how I handle relationships. Even if others I’m close to don’t agree.

College life is fun but it’s hard too. And I’m not fully myself here I realize. I go home and I’m a different person.. well not different but .. more comfortable I guess.. that I do some outrageous embarrassing things… that no one here at college has seen.

There’s apart of me I haven’t shown here at Regent. Why? I don’t know, maybe because I’ve only been here for 2 semesters and even though I’ve gotten close to people here, I’m not that intimately close as I am with my family.

So I’m going home this weekend to spend time with my family and I’ll be myself, and let that person inside that wont come out here out.. and figure out why.. because she’s the fun me.. the real me.. the me that draws people to me to see what that spark is that I have. People who I know without a doubt love me regardless of anything. And I don’t have to say anything and know exactly what to do. Whether its to hold me, or talk to me or just let me be… people here at Regent don’t me that intimately… I miss not being with someone and they just knowing something’s wrong and calling me up to see what’s up.

I miss my Poppa’s arms and my momma’s encouraging wisdom filled words. And I miss my cousin who I can goof with and who knows the ins and outs of me and I can talk to for hours on end about everything and nothing… and I miss my sister.. even though we really don’t know each other anymore.. I miss her and want to know her again.

So I’m going home so I can rest and be filled up again.

Balances... Emotions... Numb...

2010-03-30T07:20:00.000-07:00

I’m tired… I’m tired and my brain can’t think anymore. All the tests and lines and rehearsals and then add on my social life and I feel like I should explode at any moment but I’m too tired to even do that.

Humans are complex creatures and artists are even more complex… Megan said something that resonated with me today. Talking about law students “your paying all this money to make money, we’re paying all this money to be broke” How can you understand our reasoning?

I want the answers to these questions that I don’t seem to have the guts to ask… why? Maybe because I don’t know what answer I want to hear or maybe its because I don’t know that the answer I’ll be given will be honest. I feel like I’ve been bamboozled… or an attempt to bamboozle me was taken… did it work? I don’t play games so I just didn’t respond. I hope it didn’t work. I don’t know how I feel about it now. I was angry at the time. Angry and hurt, but now… now that I’ve had a few days to decompress I , I don’t know… I feel nothing…. I’m numb to it all. I’m not freaking out, I’m not overly thinking it. I’m just not thinking about it, but occasionally I just sit down in my head and see how I would ask, how I would question such an uncharacteristic act. The process has been strange, this relationship that has built.

I have a problem, I trusted too easily, I trust to easily and this time it bit me in the butt. Or maybe it didn’t. I don’t even know at this point, I’m not angry anymore, just confused… confused as to how to move forward with the knowledge I think that I may have. No not knowledge, just a different view point really. A view point that sees all the good things as twisted and not good anymore. What were they? Was it all a lie? Has it been a trick this whole time to trap me? Was that the intent… or what if they don’t even know… that’s worse. Am I dealing with a psychopath? No, just someone really hurt… deeply hurt… hurt in a place and way that I cant help.

I’m a very caring and compassionate person. I love easily. I love people, I love loving on people and encouraging them and spending time with them and just pouring into peoples lives. Some have tried to take advantage of this, and some have succeed while others haven’t.

Keeping my guard up is hard. How do you know what guard to keep up? How do you know when and how to hold in the things… to not show you care… but not stifle it and it seem like I don’t care. I do care.

Balance.

Life is about finding the balance for everything, Life as an artist is finding the way to find the balance using our art? No, artist are so much more complex… we do have to find a balance, a balance in life between, ourselves and others, our work, our craft, our fun, our sorrows, our emotions….

Emotions..

Balance in my emotions seems to be what I’m lacking right now. But I don’t feel anything right now either. Numb… numb to what I want to do.. I cant avoid and I cant run… and I’m not doing either… I’m just giving space? For myself. Space for myself… to think… to disconnect from it all… but I don’t know how to disconnect, I’ve never done that before, I’ve never done this before.

I was protected and guarded and watched over and wasn’t taught how to protect and guard myself. And the only way I did was by being tough and pushing people away. But then I got healing and let people I and I love letting people in and loving on them…

I said that already…

There’s nothing knew to say. As you see I’m in a place of confusion and maybe I’m just stoic at the moment.

a little bit of this.. a little bit of that....

2010-03-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

So I’m a very busy little girl with lots of rehearsals and such.. people look at my schedule and are like wow jess… but its only for another 2 weeks and then the end of the semester comes around and I will rest.

So I’ve been sick and fighting a cold and I didn’t go to classes on wed. and Thursday and just rested and today I am feeling better. I still have a cough but that’s ok.. I’m alive and I’m around people again, which is great.

So recently I’ve felt like I’ve been in many places…. I’ve ad freak out moments and awesome Jesus moments and just complete exhaustion moments.. and the following jokes are ones I’ve found funny along with my other delusional friends.

What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her out? Shore

What happened to the girl sea when she pissed the boy sea off? She got beach-slapped

What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car? Robin, get in the car.

Guy to girl: Do you have any Italian in you?

Girl to guy: No

Guy to girl: Do ya want some?

Ok so yes we laughed and laughed over these and much more… but that’s just where we are at. So sad I know.. but it was a great night of exhaustion.

So now onto my venting session. So I cant stand when people hear that I’m a theatre major and they just say “oh” and they put us down and say we should pick a major that we could get a job with after we graduate and they question what we can possibly do with a theatre degree. And its like they see us as children and want us to “grow up”. Well I have news for you. Not everyone who is a theatre major want to go and be famous. Its not that type of dream. And to be honest the likely hood of being famous in the theatre is very rare.. and we know this going into it. We just love to perform or tech or direct, playwright, stage manage.. there are so many things you can do in the theatre.. and no you make very much money… but its what we love and God put that desire to perform in us for a reason.. and you don’t even know what peoples dreams are.. I mean people ask me and they are blown away by what I feel God has called me to do… yes its intense and maybe it seems impossible to you “I’ve lost all my dreams” people and you’ve let your “reality” dictate your life, but I’m a fighter and yes I know life is hard and we can plan and things don’t happen the way we plan them, but God’s given me a dream and he told me to come to school for theatre so I’m here because HE is the author of my steps NOT money and careers.

So please get over your bitterness of how sucky your life is because you didn’t choose to fight for your dreams and Do something with your life. Enjoy life because it’s meant to be enjoyed.

Guys, theatre people aren’t just having fun 24 hr a day.. it’s hard work with late night hours and stress and strain and a huge character building scary, fun crazy life. And it really causes you to stretch and get out of your comfort zone…. So don’t hate.

Breathing through the stress and strain

2010-03-18T21:18:00.000-07:00

So the weeks have passed and so many things have happened in my life. I feel the stretch of the final weeks and I try to keep myself together so that I don’t fall to pieces.

I have rehearsals for Dramatus Personae. Which consists of one scene which my lines are thankfully already memorized, and song which I’m in the process of memorizing and a dance that we need to finish choreographing.

Then I have a Drirectors book I have to put together and I need to find a Stanley for my directing scene, and find time to rehearse it, because it does up as my final grade the same week as Dramatus Personae.

And for Acting I have to memorize my lines and have rehearsal for that scene which also goes up the week of Dramatus.

And lets not forget the two critique papers that I have to write, the Tap presentation that I need to finish and present on Monday with my amazing partner Ash.

And work on the tap choreo that I have to make up myself, and remembering the final tap piece choreo.

The Stagecraft project., which I still have no idea what it is…

And on top of this I must balance a social life, a financial situation, and be sure that my normal weekly house keeping duties are fulfilled… along with getting prepared for the summer and all that entails.

How am I doing all this? Prayer. I can’t begin to explain the emotional and physical strain I have been in this week. I don’t know that I even want to go over it again, I’m still processing my own stuff. And its hard to process when I’m constantly on the go, but God is ever faithful and as long as I take the time with him that I need, I seem to be getting through it with peace in my heart. Which is good because this is not the time to panic.

So I’m breathing and trying to take it moment by moment. And day by day. And remembering to breathe more than anything.

Closing a Chapter

2010-03-03T08:07:00.001-08:00

So it’s spring break and I’m here with my best friend in Radford VA. I love my best friend. And I’m sad we can’t be at the same school but that’s how it is at the moment. I’m enjoying this break. It’s my best friends birthday week and we are having a blast. However, apart of coming to visit Jessie meant having to deal with an ex of mine. Yes I know I’ve never really dated but this guy and I met Jessie’s freshman year and we had a thing.. and by thing I mean he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend but we never called it that back then bc I didn’t want to consider myself to be dating a non Christian. However looking back on it now that’s what it was. We were in a relationship. A long distant relationship. Well I ended it between us very poorly and immaturely and I haven’t seen or talked to him since. Well part of this trip here I knew that I was going to have deal with this guy but I really wasn’t sure what was going to go down.

Well I had seen him on Monday but we didn’t speak to each other.. I was waiting to see if he would say hello first. However he hasn’t change and wouldn’t dare take initiative. So on Tuesday I saw him b4 class with Jessie and I was like I just want to get this over with so I went and talked to him. It was awkward at first but… then we eased into our old way of talking.

The problem with getting in a relationship as deep as I got in with this guy is the fact that we know each other. I know his looks and gestures and he knows mine. So I didn’t feel like I could hide behind my walls bc he sees those walls and calls them out. So I was like lets have at it.

We talked a little before class and then he was in Jessie’s class so we went to class and I told Jessie to go ahead back to the apartment I need to handle my business. So He and I went to Dalton and he got food.. wanted to buy me food but I wouldn’t let him. And we sat there for 2 hours and like recapped our relationship and then I allowed him to ask me whatever because we couldn’t just be friends.

He called me by my pet name and uhg… it was harder then I was expecting it to be. It was to easy to talk to him. See we were friends but we don’t know how to be just friends.

He still cares for me and well to be honest he said he was still in love with me. In love with me…. “Nledi I still love you… please don’t cut me out again.” I’m not gonna act like I didn’t care and I felt nothing for him. And when he said that my heart strings were played and a part of me wanted to cave. But I know better. We cant just be friends because he still cares for me and I know that I would be taking the risk of falling for him again. I hate that I care about people so much. And I like helping people. But I cant put myself in a place where I’ll be drained or whatever.

So I said goodbye to him last night. Goodbye for good even though I’m going to see him all week in Jessie’s classes. I told him I have no problem saying hi and I’m not angry at him or anything. But it wont be like old times…. He kept asking what he had done to loose me and what he could do to get me back.

Anyway I cant rehash everything we talked about, but by the end I just said goodbye and walked away… and I wanted to cry. And I did cry. The conversation was good because I finally closed a chapter in my life. I got the closure I needed. And I broke someone’s heart… something I never expected to do… but I got the part of me back that I had given him and I gave the part of him I took back to him… and it’s done, and now that its over… I’m relieved…. Sad at the way things had to go down, but I can move on now. Move on in my life and see what God may have for me. And though I will never forget him or the relationship I had with him, I am done. And am just giving it all to God.

I realize this is not my normal blog bc I’m not big about blogging abt boy drama, but this was a huge part of my life to be honest and it was a big thing for me to do, and if you knew fully everything, you would see how “grown up” I’ve become. And I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but when I sat there at saw who I was when I was 19 and with him and who I am now at 21, I saw my own growth and how I’ve changed and I praise God for it.

So I closed a chapter in my life yesterday and I’m excited about this new chapter.

Samuel 1:1-18.. my Directing scene

2010-02-16T21:52:00.000-08:00

Here's my directing scene:

Samuel 1:1-18

Peninnah – Thank you Lord that I am able to bare children. They are my greatest joys. Hannah has not God blessed Elkanah and I greatly?

Hannah – Yes…

Elkanah – Hannah, I love you…

Hannah- I love you too

Peninnah – Poor Hannah unable to give Elkanah the children he deserves…

Hannah – I want to…

Elkanah – Why are you sad my dear?

Hannah – O God…

Peninnah – What type of wife are you.. you cant even bare a child.. you’re worthless

Hannah – no…

Penninah – you’re nothing as a wife without children

Hannah – please…

Peninnah – You’re a disgrace to women Hannah…

Hannah – (starting to weep)

Elkanah – Am I not better than 10 sons Hannah? I love you more, care about you more…

Hannah – it’s not enough….

Peninnah – worthless woman

Elkanah – I love you…

Hannah – STOP! (she gets to her knees weeping) Father, please, please remember me. I have served you with my whole heart. Please God? May I not have a son? Lord I ask, as a woman in anguish… please… give me a son. Peninnah has been so blessed… Oh God what type of wife am I that I can’t bare children? Lord, Father if you give me a son I will give him back to you and bring him up to serve you…. I promise….

Eli – (hushed tones) Woman! Do you come drunk to the House of God?

Hannah – No sir, no indeed… I am not intoxicated… I’m.. I’m so hurt… I just… I cant… (weeping)… I need Him to move in my life… I’m not drunk.. I’ve been sitting here pouring out my heart…. I need Him to… to move.. I cant take it any more… I…

Eli - Shhh good woman. Don’t be troubled any longer. Go in peace and God will grant you’re petition

Hannah – (relief and getting up) thank you.. o thank you so much….

Hannah exits.

Blackout.

Keeping my eyes ahead

2010-02-03T13:32:00.000-08:00

I just felt the need to rant/share what's on my heart:

Some of the Theatre students have gone to a theatre conference in Tennessee. I really wanted to go to KCACTF, however I didn’t have the funds and also I believed God wanted me to stay here. I’m not 100% sure yet why, but God’s been doing a work in me and teaching me many things about myself. I love when God speaks through me. I really do. It’s so… I don’t know how to explain it. I’m honored that God would want to use me to speak into others lives. And sometimes I end up speaking to myself too. But then there are these times when God can speak through me to so many people and I’m sitting here just wanting my own word. I’m in my own struggle and I just want to know what’s going on with me. I want me fixed so more of him can come out. But we are all going through our own refining process.

During Elephant Man I had gotten so busy that my God time had depleted and I was hanging around people who don’t have the same value system as I do , and I ended up falling back into an old pattern of cursing. I didn’t like myself for it, and I gave myself a hard time about it. I was something that I thought I had taken care of , but its like taking a person who use to struggle with alcohol and giving them a job in the bar. No matter how delivered they are, when you’re put back into that environment it becomes a temptation. Well I was around theatre kids who have no problem using that language., and I know most people don’t see the big deal, but this is something that has been between me and God. And I got around them and I spoke out against someone for the language they were using one night and the next night I cursed them out and cursed myself out… I was very upset, but it didn’t make that type of behavior ok.

I have apologized to the fellow thespian and we’ve come to an understanding. God forgave me and I had to forgive myself. And I have to learn to stay close to him. Being a Christian in the theatre world is difficult. And we’re all at a different place in our walk, but I do want to make sure everyone knows how important it is to know your own business, especially in the performing arts world. People will eat you alive wanting to know why you believe what you believe and they want to know what effects your boundaries. Are you willing to curse on stage? Kiss on stage? Be nude on stage?

This is a time of fine-tuning, God stretching me to see how I’ll go and where I’ll put a blockade up. I’m learning a lot hear at Regent and I love the people here and I love the school. And I’m learning to stay moldable, and willing to admit when I’ve fallen but to get back up and continue to run this race that I’m in. And run it with my eyes looking forward at the Father.

Life Thus Far...

2010-01-25T21:12:00.000-08:00

Hey Bloggers!

So life has been crazy busy this semester. I have Intro to Tap, Voice and Diction, Stagecraft, Fundamentals of Directing, Acting 1 and a Practicum. I’m working on my practicum at the moment. Elephant Man. The show is really good, and things are going great, its just that it takes so much time to work on a show. And there’s been so much drama with my friends.. and to be honest I haven’t been the same ‘ol Jessica since I got back from break. So in essence there is lots going on… but at the same time none of it really with me. Course I love my classes and everything I have to do with them. Its intense with lots of projects but I feel up to the challenge.

Other things I am apart of is RUC (the Regent Undergrad Council), Tangled (dance team), and for whatever reason.. I just signed up for the choir… when am I gonna have time to sing? I mean really? But I miss singing… I’ll give it a shot since after this week I wont be so busy.

But Teching Elephant Man is such a different experience from As You Like It.. for AYLI I was sound op.. so I felt connected more to the techies than anybody else. But for this show I’m a dresser and I’m in it so I’m more connected to the cast in a sense.. however, some of the 3^rd year MFA actors have something up their butt they need to pull out so they can be civilized human beings and not so rude or divas.

Yes even in Christian Theatre we have our Diva’s, but at the same times its still so different from the secular world. The Divas in the secular world are very into themselves and talk about u behind their back usually or wont even acknowledge your presence.. Here all our diva’s do is ignore your existence until they need for something. Plus they act like the undergrad doesn’t have any stories or knowledge about theatre in general. As if I don’t know what I’m doing. I do know what I’m doing. I went to a performing arts high school and no it wasn’t all professional and college level though a lot of it was, but what I learned was useful and true to the art form. Don’t belittle me or anyone or talk down to me because I’m younger then u and still in undergrad. You don’t know me thank you very much!

Sorry… that was a little venting moment. But anyway…. Life is crazy and I’m still trying to catch up and get on my feet. I need a rest for sure… a brak.. why haven’t I rested yet? Will I get one? Not in the theatre my friend… it hardly ever happens… problem that needs to be balanced.

2010

2010-01-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

Hello Bloggers!

I’m back at school, last semester ended really well and break was ok and now I’m in the New Year! YAY 2010!!!!! I’m excited! So this semester I have all theatre classes, which I’m extremely excited about. So on Mondays and Wednesdays I have voice and diction and then intro to tap… so those I’m calling my workout days, because I have dress out on both days and they are physically intense classes. SO YAY!!!! I’m so excited for them!!!! On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have Stagecraft, then Fundamentals of Directing, and then Basic Acting I. I consider those days my intense project class days. Well Basic Acting not as much as the other two. But still so much work is going to have to go into them. But I’m so excited to learn and do theatre. I love every aspect of it. Unfortunately I cannot afford to buy books this semester so thankfully some friends are letting me borrow books to do homework and I did find some books at the library, but I’m totally trusting God n thins one.

I have an excited anticipation for this semester; I feel in almost every way. Like I I’m stoked about my classes, and I know God’s gonna get me through on finances… I’m not sure how…. But he got me through last semester so I know he’s got something great planned for me this semester. I’m just totally doing what I can and trusting Him to do his thing. And I’m just excited to see what Gods gonna do in using me and in teaching me. I’m so excited about growing in God.

After the first two days of classes and reading what’s due and everything that’s gone on I feel like I’m falling in love with theatre again. I mean I’ve always loved theatre tremendously, but its like.. a deeper love for it. I went two years without theatre and I wasn’t myself, but I’m remembering things now. Remember the feelings and sensations and struggles and excitement of all these things. It’s super exciting. Yes there are some “scary” parts but overall I’m pumped.

It’s a new year guys I know God’s gonna do some amazing things and I just want to open myself up and be His instrument in whatever way that I can. And I know that even when those hard times come, I’ll take those moments and just give it to Jesus and honestly this amazing peace comes. I love that peace. Its peace that says, I got this. It’s the peace that says I don’t have to be in control and in fact I’m not in control, what a relief. Its such a huge responsibility to be in control, and I’m so glad I’ve given that responsibility of my life to God.

But I digress; this semester holds some very exciting things. And Ill try to keep everyone up to date so they know what’s going on the theatre world here at Regent and just what’s going on in my life in general.

Welcome to the New Year guys!!! It’s a fresh start, a new beginning, and it’s gonna be a good one!

God Bless!

Finals.. this is what happens after late nights

2009-12-15T21:01:00.000-08:00

The past couple weeks have been kind of crazy, not gonna lie. Between shows and finals and papers and getting close to people, I’ve really treasured these last couple of weeks. God’s been teaching me things about myself and…. I’ve really been in a place. Truly… so much has occurred…. I’m overwhelmed but at peace all at the same time….

I love being here, it really feels like my home right now… I feel like I have two homes, because I’ve come to miss Richmond which I didn’t think would happen, but its not Richmond itself, it’s the people there that I’ve left behind.

I’ve realized…no… I’ve always known, I just haven’t articulated fully I guess, that I’m very much an out of sight, out of mind person. Not literally… like I don’t necessarily forget people but I focus in on the moments I’m in…

I think that’s why my father holds so tight because he’s scared that if he lets me go to far I’ll disappear off the planet. I don’t mean to make people feel like I forget them, because I don’t, I just… I’ve gotten burned putting so much effort into relationships, and so to me a real relationship should be effortless. Like my best friend and I talk all the time… we talk at the least every other day. But it’s so effortless with her. But like with my parents and siblings and even people I love and am close too at home.. I just don’t communicate that often… I mean I’ll stop by their facebook and leave some love or text or sometimes even call.. but I’m just… not gonna make all the effort.. n if we don’t have a reason to talk.. although I do appreciate the random conversations that mean nothing.. those are some of my favorite convos… but I guess I find myself to not be that great of a communicator.. but I think it goes both ways….

I guess I bring this up cuz I’ve just been noticing how often my friends have been in contact wit there parents, and its true most of the time it’s the parents calling.. but still… I don’t talk to my parents that often.. maybe once a month… I’m so different and love being away and independent and on my own.. but the problem with that.. is I tend to struggle on my own… I keep my inner most secrets unless its pulled out of me and I just… don’t talk.

It’s the holidays and I haven’t really made a Christmas list like I usually do, I’m so excited to simply see people and spend time with them and have conversations and see where God has brought people. I feel like such a changed person… and even when I’ve gone home people have said they feel like I’m a changed person…

For my birthday Jessie said she didn’t know what to do with me because I had changed so much and it wasn’t bad.. it was just different.. I’ve heard other little comments like this and I wonder what that means… what could they mean?

I’ve been on a roller coaster adventure and its not over… I don’t know what lays before me but I’m excited about it.. I have this anticipation for next semester and I don’t know what it is… but I’m excited and nervous all at the same time.. there’s this calm I feel.. a peace that’s unexplainable.. but its that peace of.. everything’s going to be okay… so like does that mean something’s going to happen?

I don’t know.. I’m tired and delusional and stressed and I’m just in this new place of everything and nothing all at once… I just don’t know…

As You Like It

2009-12-05T08:59:00.000-08:00

AYLI has been so great. I've learned so much being sound operator and I’ve met some amazing and talented people.

Highlights of teching would be:

-the fun we have on headset

-the fun we have in the green room

-Tech night where all the guys, except 2, tore there shirts off for the curtain call dance extravaganza.. awkward and yet hilarious

-Ryan and the ness that is him

-Andy and the ness that is him

-Verbal abuse over the headset by Jeff

-Screaming teenagers at the sight of "Orlando"

-All the small movie references that have been put in… that only a few people get

-Jesiah always coming in and attempting to scare.. it hasn't worked, hence the attempt

Things that arn't so happy but still all apart of the experience:

-coming in the sound booth and everything have been changed and cleaned up and put away and completely screwed up because of the film festival... it took me an hour to find all the things missing and get everything back in its proper place.

-TV studio coming onto our headset channel in the middle of a show

-mike tape disappearing 15 min before the house opens

-CTV student coming through the booth just for a short cut in the middle of a performance (show some respect will ya? you wouldn't want a person to walk through the middle of a film shoot would u? I think not!)

All in all this has been an amazing experience, and I love it so much and I’ll sorta miss it when its gone.. but I’m also ready to be able to sleep again. But I sure do love the life of a theatre kid.

It's worth writing about :)

2009-11-24T23:58:00.000-08:00

Highlights of my day:

I cleaned the apartment and cleaned out the food of all things that would die over break
I did my laundry - Yay clean clothes!
I exercised... and also found out that i've like officially lost 20 lbs!!!!!
I got to get to know Chris a little better!
So someone took the green lamp out of my room and i didn't know who it was, so I posted it on facebook. And i told my friends.. bc it bothered me.... well i found out who it was and y they took it... but didn't tell all my friends i had.. so around 11ish.. Seth runs into my room with a green lamp screaming he found my lamp and Ricky and stephanie are behind him.... i burst out laughing.. seth is trying to keep Ricky away from the amp and Stephanie is helping.. i finally calm down and tell Seth that the lamp he stole from Ricky is Ricky's lamp.. but thanked him for the gesture and that i was honored he fought to get that lamp down to me.. it was amazing!
Then Jeff txtd me because he and chad wanted to kidnap Jesiah.. but Jesiah wasn't home so we surran wrapped his bed, laptop, shoes and underwear... and put sticky notes all over his side of the room.. it was brilliant!
Then I packed and now I'm up at 3 am because I'm so excited about going home that i cant sleep... problem..
i think i shall watch a movie now...
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!!

OPENING NIGHT!!!

2009-11-20T09:25:00.000-08:00

Hey Bloggers! It’s opening night of As You Like It!!!! The show is so funny and we are just having a blast.

I’m the sound operator for this show, which is so fun because I get to be on headset and we have the best time on headset. There have been a couple snafus that have occurred but I believe we will have a wonderful opening night.

Teching a show is so exhausting but so much fun. And I’m glad I’m working on a show that I don’t mind seeing over and over a bazillion times. The actors are amazing and so is the tech crew. We all get along so great (which is always necessary when in the theatre).

I’ve learned a lot about sound, but also I’ve learned quite a bit from the MFA actors. They are so talented and I love watching their drive and dedication. And watching how they hone their craft. I’ve learned quite a bit of little tid bits on acting and I’m so excited to have the opportunity to use them.

This tech experience is so different from my high school. I mean I loved ARGS and everything it taught me, but here at Regent the atmosphere is just different. There aren’t any Divas and everyone looks out for everyone else’s back. O the drama is not the case here. I think that’s my favorite part. There is no drama here with the theatre people. In the commons sure I see drama all the time, but when I’m here in this space, with these amazing people, there’s no vendetta, there’s no drama, and he said she said, and its just fun and peaceful.

Yes we are all tired, but we aren’t cranky. We all have masses of homework to do, papers to write, tests to study for, but we encourage each other. It really is the best environment.

I Remember Tim

2009-11-16T09:13:00.001-08:00

Today is November 16th. In 2005 my dear classmate Tim passed away on this day. He had a heart condition. He was the sweetest guy and never said a mean thing (to me anyway). He was my math buddy. We didn't really hang out in the same crowd or even participate in the same clubs, but we had our thing in math. I remember the day it was announced that Tim had passed away and the entire school was hushed.. well the junior and senior classes were. The school planted a tree in his honor. He was the first ARGS student to ever pass away. When it happened, so many people said why him God? He wouldn't hurt anyone... why him? I asked this question, it happened so fast. Sophmore year he seemed so fine, and then come beginning of our junior year he had lost so much weight I hardly recognized him. But he was still my Tim. My dear, sweet, didn't understand math, but was willing to try Tim. I'm setting aside time today to lift his family up in my prayers, because I don't know where they are at or how they are doing. Will you lift them up with me? Those of you who remember him? Thank You. Tim we loved you. And you did make a difference in the short life that you lived.

My heart is so full

2009-11-13T15:36:00.001-08:00

Can I say right now how much I love my school and the people God has placed in my path. They really are amazing people.

This past week has been one of those bittersweet weeks. God has just been so faithful. It wasn’t a bad week, but it was a difficult week. I came up against some spiritual warfare this week and I was doing some battle but I have come out on top, but am now very exhausted.

God has showed me so many things this week about myself, and where I’m going, what I’m doing here at Regent. It’s just been beautiful.

There is still some things that I’m dealing with but I know God will help me through it.

So tech starts tonight. I’m so excited to be working on a show again. Like really. I know I’m about to be super busy and super tired… but I’m so pumped…

I have missed theatre so much and I’m the sound op for As You Like It… I love Shakespeare!!!!! As most of you know. I’ve never worked sound before even in high school… it just wasn’t my thing… but I know I’m gonna learn a lot and that God is gonna help me get even closer to some people.

I wish I could explain to some people the love and joy I feel when I’m working on a show. Some people just don’t understand that driving force within me.. that passion that is so thick and so huge that sometimes I’m about to bust from the inside out, it gets so intense. I feel so full.. of life, and purpose, and… God just pours out of me in a new way, and sometimes I want to burst into tears because I feel so unworthy for God to choose me for this craft. To spread the art of theatre… its so overwhelming. But its so beautiful. I’m excited….if u didn’t get that.

To those of you who know what I’m talking about… where you are itching with need to perform or tech… and at the moment you cant do it… just hold on… God will open a door. I’ve been away from theatre for 2 years… and coming back… gives me such a better appreciation for it then I had before. YAY GOD!!!

Well that’s my shpeel. I love you all. God Bless!

Vulnerable

2009-11-10T12:39:00.001-08:00

So, being a Regent Student does have its tough moments. Like money.. but I've heard money problems is not just a college thing but a general struggle. As a person I’ve always prayed against financial struggles for when I was married. I've seen to many families broken up over money that I didn't want that to be a problem for my future husband and me.

Well God has been very good to me. a couple weeks ago I was freaking out about paying rent because I haven't found a job yet and I have no incoming income. My parents are not helping with college so I’m on my own and have done everything I know how to do. The government of course thinks I have plenty of money because of my parent’s income but they don’t seem to understand that I’m on my own. So anyway one day someone slipped an envelope with my name on it under my door. Well it had money to go towards my rent. It wasn’t the whole amount but I was grateful for anything. Well I turned it in and it was all I had.

Yesterday I got a notice saying I had until the 15th to come up with the rest or I’ll be kicked out of the commons by the 20th. I was... disheartened to say the least.

I sat on my bedroom floor crying... not sure what to do... so tired... and I said.. "God, I cant fight anymore... its all out of me." And I just cried and then i sensed him and he came and he picked me up in his arms and said "I'll carry you now" And I just remember crying into his shoulder as he stroked my hair saying it would be all right. And he rocked me and shhhd me... and I just cried into his shoulder. And then he danced with y in his arms. It was slow and I didn’t have to do anything. I was up in his arms like a 5 year old child.. in the fetal position... and he sang over me and loved me.

It was amazing.

So to those of you who are struggling with finances, God's gonna carry you through this hard time. Just be fully vulnerable and say "Daddy I cant do this on my own" and he'll come and pick you up and carry you through while whispering how much he loves you.

Fighting the invisible battle

2009-11-08T14:56:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! So we have this thing on Sundays called the NeXt and its for all students. Well this week I have food and drink duty and I feel so honored to be a part of this event, but sometimes Satan tries to make me feel overwhelmed. but I'm fighting back. I'm so excited about tonight because had me and my friend Seth actually make a meal for the kids instead of just having junk food. So many times I’ve heard students say that the junk food they are eating is there dinner, and I had a sit down with God and he told me to feed them this week, so that's what I'm doing. I have no idea if I made too little or too much, but I’m believing God to bless it either way.

Students from the Comm School are the main leaders but everyone is invited because everyone can share about how God speaks to them and ministers to them. It's a great time of sharing and encouraging each other and just watching God bring people together with whatever.

So when Stan tries to attack me like this and makes me feel sick and overwhelmed I say "Get thee behind me! I have no time for your games!" and then I spend time just praising God for who he is and all that he's done and is doing in my life.

So to leave you with this: don't let Satan try and trick you into thinking you don’t have enough time to get everything that you need to do done. Pace yourselves and give everything to God and he'll strengthen you and direct your path.

Theatre dreams

2009-11-05T14:26:00.001-08:00

Hey guys! This is my first blog for Regent. I have actually been blogging for about 7 years on Xanga. I did have a bout 2 year laps of blogging, but I felt God wanted me to pick it back up again. It's amazing the people you can impact by blogging.

Today I thought I'd share a little bit about why I'm a theatre major and what I think God wants me to do with my degree. See I’ve been performing ever since I can remember. I was born in November and that December I played baby Jesus in the Christmas pageant. So I’ve known I was to do great things ever since. LOL. Anyway, I love performing but I also enjoying playwrighting. And part of my dream is to maybe start a theatre company that travels around the world. I think I will have a tech crew and we will submerge ourselves into a country for a little while and I’ll write a play that will speak to the people in there own language and I want to have them audition and perform the play. Also I want to eventually build performing art centers for people of all ages. Where anyone can come for free and learn to act, dance, paint, play an instrument etc. God has given people so many talents and in many of these countries they never get to learn how to perform or paint because they have to concern themselves with survival. But part of theses schools will give people opportunities to make money with their talent to support their family.

It’s a big dream but its what God’s placed in my heart and I’m not sure how it will all play out but I’m excited about what God has for me and I know that Regent is just the beginning building blocks for it.