Grabbing the Chisel

Chisel- a tool used to cut or shape wood, stone, metal or OTHER HARD MATERIAL.

Have you ever felt God chiseling away at you? The person you are.. your character?

I felt it today… I mean really if I think about it I’ve felt it all along, but today I feel like he took out a huge chuck of something that wasn’t suppose to be there… And then he showed it to me and I cried. It was gross, icky and black.

The past two years have been a season of me finding out who I am and God has just been chiseling away at me as I grow…. Well this summer in-particular I have felt like I’ve come to my crossroads for this season of my life. The roads? Who I was, who I am, Who I could be… oh the choices.. I feel like I’ve gone down each and every one of these roads and doubled back this summer and I stay at this crossroad trying to decide if I should make a whole new road that doesn’t include any of the three. However it doesnt work that way… They’ll all follow me.

The point is… amongst everything I’ve felt the chiseling… God slowly taking one chunk of gunge ( yes I mean gunge not grunge) off at a time.. and occasionally I put it back on. But I’ve felt it, and I’ve seen it, and as I look back to where I was when I moved here and where I am today… well… I’m an entirely different woman… in numerous ways.

But what I came to today was… have I back tracked? Have I back tracked to a place I never actually visited? I skipped out on many things as a child and as a teenager and generally when people surpass a normal transition in life they have to go through it at some point and it generally comes out in their 20’s and 30’s … even later if they continue to suppress it. Well I wasn’t suppressing things. I just let them come. And I suffered the consequences… or am suffering the consequences… not all bad, mind you, but consequences all the same.

So, yes, in a sense I’ve back tracked in some places… but I’m so far ahead in others. I guess God’s working on balancing me out. And becoming balanced hurts. And yes, sometimes it feels like Hell… or our concept of what Hell could feel like. But things are always better on the other side if we just let him chisel away and mold us the way he wants to.

That’s why today I just cried instead of making excuses for the gunge. I had no excuse. I had no clever reasoning, it was just there… and I had to deal with it…

Embrace the chiseling… life is just better when you do.

When I say... "I'm a Christian"

When I say… “I am a Christian”


I’m not shouting “I’m clean livin’.”


I’m whispering “I was lost,


Now I’m found and forgiven.”



When I say… “I am a Christian”


I don’t speak of this with pride.


I’m confessing that I stumble


and need Christ to be my guide.



When I say… “I am a Christian”


I’m not trying to be strong.


I’m professing that I’m weak


And need His strength to carry on.



When I say… “I am a Christian”


I’m not bragging of success.


I’m admitting I have failed


And need God to clean my mess.



When I say… “I am a Christian”


I’m not claiming to be perfect,


My flaws are far too visible


But, God believes I am worth it.



When I say… “I am a Christian”


I still feel the sting of pain.


I have my share of heartaches


So I call upon His name.



When I say… “I am a Christian”


I’m not holier than thou,


I’m just a simple sinner


Who received God’s good grace, somehow!

All the Single Ladies

So over the past couple of weeks I’ve been frustrated and struggling with my singleness. And it’s not that I don’t like being single, because I do. It defiantly has a lot of perks that I enjoy. But I’m also getting to that place where I’m ready to start my next journey. I found myself not content with where I was and questioning things about myself. I was getting myself down and was sending myself into a whirlwind. Things like: “Am I not appealing or attractive? Why don’t guys like me? Why is it that the only guys who have shown interest are seriously disturbed, or have more issues then I do? Does that mean something’s wrong with me? “ etc.

Not the best thoughts I know. But I’m human and this is where things were going. However here’s the catch. I know that I’m beautiful. I know that God thinks I’m very special and he adores me. I know that I have great qualities as a person, friend and as a woman of God. So if I’m so awesome… then why are boys/guys/men so dumb or oblivious in seeing it? These are some things I’ve been asking God and myself for quite some time now.

Dear single people. We all know crushing is exhausting. And when you like someone you try and make them like you back,.. You may not think that you do but even subconsciously you try things, like maybe dressing a little nicer or trying and complimenting them a lot, laugh a different way that you think they’ll be more attracted to you. But alas it’s all in vain. And by the end of it you’re exhausted and anxious.

Well guess what. You can’t make someone like you. It doesn’t matter what you do it just won’t work. You are attractive all by yourself. And the person God has for you is going to fall for you. You don’t have to change a thing. You wont have to loose weight or change your hair, or change at all. Because you yourself are enough. And you are who they’ve been looking for,

I had some chats with two very good friends tonight who reminded me that when I meet that person that God has for me, I wont have to make an effort. It will be specific for what I need and special to me. And I wont have to try to get something going because it will just happen… and it wont be stressful.

I am one of those girls that I feel like God has hidden. I know I’m special. I look at my life and see all the times God has protected me from making poor choices. So many people who have a similar history to mine end up in so many awful places. Making extremely dangerous and poor choices in their lives.

But God’s protected me from those paths. Those situations haven’t even been options for me. And granted I made a choice young enough to follow God and to stay obedient to him. And as long as I’ve walked with him he’s protected me.

If God cares enough to protect me then I know he loves me and thinks I’m special. If I’m so special why don’t guys notice? God covered their eyes so they couldn’t see. God has a certain person for me and He will see me the way God sees me and he will now how special and precious I am.

In the mean time I will bask in the Love of my Heavenly Father who thinks the universe of me.

And you know what? Knowing that God is hiding me is exciting! Just think of the man that will see me… he’ll match my special preciousness… and that just fills me with butterflies.

Acting Lessons

So I’m frustrated. I seem to have this problem I can’t get past. I’ve done it in class, I’ve done it in rehearsals, I’ve gotten notes on it over and over again… And yes at this point I’m discouraged, upset with myself. How do I stop it?

Ok so I have this problem of breaking character. I’m in these serious rolls that are funny because my character is so serious. And I’m suppose to look people in the eye… but there faces or they just make me laugh or I hear the laughter of the audience and it just breaks, I’m too much in my head.

So I wasn’t really getting help with how to help this, so I talked to Dr. Kirkland. I live in his house and can get acting help from him. I’m too much in my head and not as engaged in my other. Which is hard when my other isn’t engaged fully in me.

So the show opens tomorrow and I need to get out of my head and make Amanda real. And move past the as if and make it an undertone.

Wow, I just feel like I’ve failed this go around acting wise. But it’s ok. It’s all part of the learning process and the show will go on and it will be good. I’m getting my act together and things are going to shift.

No this is isn’t Painted Rain, but it should be just as awesome as all my other experiences.

I’m sorry I’ve been a Debbie Downer. Things will change.

K thanks J

Adventures in the rain

So today I went to lunch with some friends. We went to Olive Garden and found out it was a 15 minute wait. We had to be back at school in an hour. So we went back out to my car and for some reason it wouldn't start. The gas was low and so I thought perhaps the gas gauge was off by a little bit. So we went over tho Friendly's and called a bunch of friends to have some people get us. So we sit down and eat and I'm praying and trying to stay calm and enjoy my time while we wait. So anyway friends come and we get food and eat. I've called my boss to let her know that my car died and that I was going to be late.

So I get to school and get to work and talk to my boss about letting me leave with my friend to get a gas can and put some gas in my tank. So my wonderful friend took me back to my car and I filled up my gas tank as she tried to figure out how to put oil in her car. It was quit the picture. Two girls are in the rain as a green Mercury Sable is being filled with oil and a white Mercury Sable is have gas put in her.

So I go to start my car and it still does nothing. It wasn't even rolling over. So I pop my hood to see if I can figure out what is wrong and I always have trouble popping my hood because I can never find the lever. My friend, Sharon, skillfully figured it out and we looked at my engine and... it looked fine. We wondered if maybe the battery had died so we tried to jump my car.. still nothing.

I call my dad and he tells me to turn the car on and pop it in neutral. So I do.. forgetting that the emergency break is not on... my car starts to roll backwards out of the parking spot. I tell my father to hold on and I call for Sharon. She gets behind my car and I'm by the driver door and we try and push my car back into the parking space... Remember now, it's still raining... ok so it wasn't moving so I run back to Sharon and we push my car back into the parking space and I have her run up and put it in park.

Ok so I get off the phone with my dad and we call AAA and wait for them to come. We decided that since its still raining and we are wet and cold, to go inside the Olive Garden to get some coffee. We go and sit at the bar and have some coffee.

The tow truck comes and Sharon goes out to meet him and I wait for our waitress to pay the bill and you know what she does? She says not to worry about. I'd had a bad enough day as it was. I thanked God for her and asked him to bless her in that moment. Because that was really nice of her.

Anyway the tow truck comes tows Mable (my car) away and Sharon and I head back to school.

It turns out it was my starter. So they've fixed it and I will pick her up tomorrow. For those of you who have had car problems you know the financial stress that comes with this. But thankfully my Poppa is taking care of it. He's so good to me.

So I'm without a car for a night but all in all it's been taken care of.

I'm drained, but grateful for the encouragement from people, the hugs, and the support. And for my awesome friends who have my back. And hopefully my beautiful Mabel the Sable will be back with me tomorrow.

The end.

Sincerely

Dear Friends,

I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you. I've gotten so caught up in things that have been going on in my life, I haven’t taken the time to be there for you. I haven’t even been praying for you like I should.

You see I've been going through this season of change and growth and learning. And one thing after another would pile on top of itself and I wasn't even getting the God time I needed to stay filled up. And because of that and my own selfishness I stayed away. Unconnected. Because I can’t help if I’m not filled.

So many things have been happening in my life and in my heart that I didn't have time to process and focus. I even forgot how to handle situations. I became sulky at points and melancholy. True I'm allowed to have off days. But months? that's not ok.

Recently I had been looking for a song I could sing that dealt with my situation. And all the songs I found really just egged on the frustration of the situation. Until today I simply put on some worship music and "How Great is our God" came on.. And I broke. I just cried. I'd forgotten to simply worship Him when trials come my way.

I was out with a friend yesterday and she just reminded me of how much I had changed over the past year. And it's true.. God's done so much work in me. This time last year I wasn't sure if I would be able to stay in the commons because I didn't know how I was going to pay rent. And I didn't have a job, or a car. I was in a different place mentally and spiritually. And I've grown and learned so much. I now have 3 jobs and a car. I just signed a lease for my first apartment. The financial situation with the school still hasn't changed but I have such peace about it. God's provided just like he said he would.

And yet in all that I've let some really minor things get me down. So I'm sorry. I'm suppose to be here for you. And even if not physically at least prayerfully. I'm sorry I haven’t the prayer warrior you came to know me as. I’m sorry if I've failed you as friends. I love you all so much and you all have impacted my life and who I am and how I've grown in ways you'll never even know.

Please accept my apology and know that I will be trying to do better. To be the friend you need.

Jess

High on Life

So I went on vacation to the Bahamas… soooo much fun!!!!! I got a little burnt which is now turning into a tan :) andthen i get home and i get a car, i get cast in a Lab show!!!! WOOT WOOT! and things just start looking up!

But more than anything… I love being in shows… i’ve missed it so much. I’ve missed beat work and really developing my character and interacting with other actors… Acting just makes everything better.. yes i know the answer is now I cant i have rehearsal.. but you know what.. i’ve never minded saying that.. unless someone was like hey we’re going to Africa ya wanna come.. and then i’d be upset.. but.. i’m so happy right now..

this has been a crazy season.. and i’m very thankful for this little break i’m getting.