Random Blah's

I don’t like being this way. I’m so disconnected. I feel like I spent all that time and being stretched and getting fine-tuned and I was fine tuned but somehow I got out of tune. I don’t know if I got to busy, or distracted or if I just stopped listening. I didn’t stop listening… but I did get distracted.

Here I am, on this emotional roller coaster, wanting to cry but not being able to. At what I thought was my breaking point. But it’s not. I can still handle more and when I started opening my mouth and stopped being scared that I would make the wrong decision… by communicating I felt better… and the situation isn’t worse.. its better and something I don’t have to be concerned about anymore.

I realize that relationships are more important to me than my school work, than theatre. I mean I love theatre, but people are always gonna be in my life and if things aren’t right with them, I cant focus… but if homework isn’t done or I’m falling behind in schoolwork or whatever… I can brush it off.

I’m a very compassionate person, and I care so deeply for people. And I have no problem saying I love you to people bc I honestly do love them. I love then how Christ loves them and its an intense passionate love.. not as in being in love with someone.. but just loving on them. I’m honored that my friends want to protect me and my family wants to protect me and I want to be protected, but I listen so hard and really think through what people are telling me and I decide for myself if I agree. If it really is for me or if parts of it are for me. Discernment is something I’m constantly working on. Discerning whats God and whats not God and discerning whats for now and whats for later.

As much of an independent person I am, I’m also very indecisive. Decisions scare me bc I don’t want to make mistakes and getting caught in a trap. and I realize that its good to make mistakes because that’s how I can learn but I try and learn from other peoples mistakes so I wont make the same ones. I don’t want to make a mistake that will make back track. Or be stuck for a season. I only have one direction I’m allowed to go and that is forward.

But I still have to decide how I will go about handling my business… how I handle relationships. Even if others I’m close to don’t agree.

College life is fun but it’s hard too. And I’m not fully myself here I realize. I go home and I’m a different person.. well not different but .. more comfortable I guess.. that I do some outrageous embarrassing things… that no one here at college has seen.

There’s apart of me I haven’t shown here at Regent. Why? I don’t know, maybe because I’ve only been here for 2 semesters and even though I’ve gotten close to people here, I’m not that intimately close as I am with my family.

So I’m going home this weekend to spend time with my family and I’ll be myself, and let that person inside that wont come out here out.. and figure out why.. because she’s the fun me.. the real me.. the me that draws people to me to see what that spark is that I have. People who I know without a doubt love me regardless of anything. And I don’t have to say anything and know exactly what to do. Whether its to hold me, or talk to me or just let me be… people here at Regent don’t me that intimately… I miss not being with someone and they just knowing something’s wrong and calling me up to see what’s up.

I miss my Poppa’s arms and my momma’s encouraging wisdom filled words. And I miss my cousin who I can goof with and who knows the ins and outs of me and I can talk to for hours on end about everything and nothing… and I miss my sister.. even though we really don’t know each other anymore.. I miss her and want to know her again.

So I’m going home so I can rest and be filled up again.

Balances... Emotions... Numb...

I’m tired… I’m tired and my brain can’t think anymore. All the tests and lines and rehearsals and then add on my social life and I feel like I should explode at any moment but I’m too tired to even do that.

Humans are complex creatures and artists are even more complex… Megan said something that resonated with me today. Talking about law students “your paying all this money to make money, we’re paying all this money to be broke” How can you understand our reasoning?

I want the answers to these questions that I don’t seem to have the guts to ask… why? Maybe because I don’t know what answer I want to hear or maybe its because I don’t know that the answer I’ll be given will be honest. I feel like I’ve been bamboozled… or an attempt to bamboozle me was taken… did it work? I don’t play games so I just didn’t respond. I hope it didn’t work. I don’t know how I feel about it now. I was angry at the time. Angry and hurt, but now… now that I’ve had a few days to decompress I , I don’t know… I feel nothing…. I’m numb to it all. I’m not freaking out, I’m not overly thinking it. I’m just not thinking about it, but occasionally I just sit down in my head and see how I would ask, how I would question such an uncharacteristic act. The process has been strange, this relationship that has built.

I have a problem, I trusted too easily, I trust to easily and this time it bit me in the butt. Or maybe it didn’t. I don’t even know at this point, I’m not angry anymore, just confused… confused as to how to move forward with the knowledge I think that I may have. No not knowledge, just a different view point really. A view point that sees all the good things as twisted and not good anymore. What were they? Was it all a lie? Has it been a trick this whole time to trap me? Was that the intent… or what if they don’t even know… that’s worse. Am I dealing with a psychopath? No, just someone really hurt… deeply hurt… hurt in a place and way that I cant help.

I’m a very caring and compassionate person. I love easily. I love people, I love loving on people and encouraging them and spending time with them and just pouring into peoples lives. Some have tried to take advantage of this, and some have succeed while others haven’t.

Keeping my guard up is hard. How do you know what guard to keep up? How do you know when and how to hold in the things… to not show you care… but not stifle it and it seem like I don’t care. I do care.

Balance.

Life is about finding the balance for everything, Life as an artist is finding the way to find the balance using our art? No, artist are so much more complex… we do have to find a balance, a balance in life between, ourselves and others, our work, our craft, our fun, our sorrows, our emotions….

Emotions..

Balance in my emotions seems to be what I’m lacking right now. But I don’t feel anything right now either. Numb… numb to what I want to do.. I cant avoid and I cant run… and I’m not doing either… I’m just giving space? For myself. Space for myself… to think… to disconnect from it all… but I don’t know how to disconnect, I’ve never done that before, I’ve never done this before.

I was protected and guarded and watched over and wasn’t taught how to protect and guard myself. And the only way I did was by being tough and pushing people away. But then I got healing and let people I and I love letting people in and loving on them…

I said that already…

There’s nothing knew to say. As you see I’m in a place of confusion and maybe I’m just stoic at the moment.

a little bit of this.. a little bit of that....

So I’m a very busy little girl with lots of rehearsals and such.. people look at my schedule and are like wow jess… but its only for another 2 weeks and then the end of the semester comes around and I will rest.

So I’ve been sick and fighting a cold and I didn’t go to classes on wed. and Thursday and just rested and today I am feeling better. I still have a cough but that’s ok.. I’m alive and I’m around people again, which is great.

So recently I’ve felt like I’ve been in many places…. I’ve ad freak out moments and awesome Jesus moments and just complete exhaustion moments.. and the following jokes are ones I’ve found funny along with my other delusional friends.

What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her out? Shore

What happened to the girl sea when she pissed the boy sea off? She got beach-slapped

What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car? Robin, get in the car.

Guy to girl: Do you have any Italian in you?

Girl to guy: No

Guy to girl: Do ya want some?

Ok so yes we laughed and laughed over these and much more… but that’s just where we are at. So sad I know.. but it was a great night of exhaustion.

So now onto my venting session. So I cant stand when people hear that I’m a theatre major and they just say “oh” and they put us down and say we should pick a major that we could get a job with after we graduate and they question what we can possibly do with a theatre degree. And its like they see us as children and want us to “grow up”. Well I have news for you. Not everyone who is a theatre major want to go and be famous. Its not that type of dream. And to be honest the likely hood of being famous in the theatre is very rare.. and we know this going into it. We just love to perform or tech or direct, playwright, stage manage.. there are so many things you can do in the theatre.. and no you make very much money… but its what we love and God put that desire to perform in us for a reason.. and you don’t even know what peoples dreams are.. I mean people ask me and they are blown away by what I feel God has called me to do… yes its intense and maybe it seems impossible to you “I’ve lost all my dreams” people and you’ve let your “reality” dictate your life, but I’m a fighter and yes I know life is hard and we can plan and things don’t happen the way we plan them, but God’s given me a dream and he told me to come to school for theatre so I’m here because HE is the author of my steps NOT money and careers.

So please get over your bitterness of how sucky your life is because you didn’t choose to fight for your dreams and Do something with your life. Enjoy life because it’s meant to be enjoyed.

Guys, theatre people aren’t just having fun 24 hr a day.. it’s hard work with late night hours and stress and strain and a huge character building scary, fun crazy life. And it really causes you to stretch and get out of your comfort zone…. So don’t hate.

Breathing through the stress and strain

So the weeks have passed and so many things have happened in my life. I feel the stretch of the final weeks and I try to keep myself together so that I don’t fall to pieces.

I have rehearsals for Dramatus Personae. Which consists of one scene which my lines are thankfully already memorized, and song which I’m in the process of memorizing and a dance that we need to finish choreographing.

Then I have a Drirectors book I have to put together and I need to find a Stanley for my directing scene, and find time to rehearse it, because it does up as my final grade the same week as Dramatus Personae.

And for Acting I have to memorize my lines and have rehearsal for that scene which also goes up the week of Dramatus.

And lets not forget the two critique papers that I have to write, the Tap presentation that I need to finish and present on Monday with my amazing partner Ash.

And work on the tap choreo that I have to make up myself, and remembering the final tap piece choreo.

The Stagecraft project., which I still have no idea what it is…

And on top of this I must balance a social life, a financial situation, and be sure that my normal weekly house keeping duties are fulfilled… along with getting prepared for the summer and all that entails.

How am I doing all this? Prayer. I can’t begin to explain the emotional and physical strain I have been in this week. I don’t know that I even want to go over it again, I’m still processing my own stuff. And its hard to process when I’m constantly on the go, but God is ever faithful and as long as I take the time with him that I need, I seem to be getting through it with peace in my heart. Which is good because this is not the time to panic.

So I’m breathing and trying to take it moment by moment. And day by day. And remembering to breathe more than anything.

Closing a Chapter

So it’s spring break and I’m here with my best friend in Radford VA. I love my best friend. And I’m sad we can’t be at the same school but that’s how it is at the moment. I’m enjoying this break. It’s my best friends birthday week and we are having a blast. However, apart of coming to visit Jessie meant having to deal with an ex of mine. Yes I know I’ve never really dated but this guy and I met Jessie’s freshman year and we had a thing.. and by thing I mean he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend but we never called it that back then bc I didn’t want to consider myself to be dating a non Christian. However looking back on it now that’s what it was. We were in a relationship. A long distant relationship. Well I ended it between us very poorly and immaturely and I haven’t seen or talked to him since. Well part of this trip here I knew that I was going to have deal with this guy but I really wasn’t sure what was going to go down.

Well I had seen him on Monday but we didn’t speak to each other.. I was waiting to see if he would say hello first. However he hasn’t change and wouldn’t dare take initiative. So on Tuesday I saw him b4 class with Jessie and I was like I just want to get this over with so I went and talked to him. It was awkward at first but… then we eased into our old way of talking.

The problem with getting in a relationship as deep as I got in with this guy is the fact that we know each other. I know his looks and gestures and he knows mine. So I didn’t feel like I could hide behind my walls bc he sees those walls and calls them out. So I was like lets have at it.

We talked a little before class and then he was in Jessie’s class so we went to class and I told Jessie to go ahead back to the apartment I need to handle my business. So He and I went to Dalton and he got food.. wanted to buy me food but I wouldn’t let him. And we sat there for 2 hours and like recapped our relationship and then I allowed him to ask me whatever because we couldn’t just be friends.

He called me by my pet name and uhg… it was harder then I was expecting it to be. It was to easy to talk to him. See we were friends but we don’t know how to be just friends.

He still cares for me and well to be honest he said he was still in love with me. In love with me…. “Nledi I still love you… please don’t cut me out again.” I’m not gonna act like I didn’t care and I felt nothing for him. And when he said that my heart strings were played and a part of me wanted to cave. But I know better. We cant just be friends because he still cares for me and I know that I would be taking the risk of falling for him again. I hate that I care about people so much. And I like helping people. But I cant put myself in a place where I’ll be drained or whatever.

So I said goodbye to him last night. Goodbye for good even though I’m going to see him all week in Jessie’s classes. I told him I have no problem saying hi and I’m not angry at him or anything. But it wont be like old times…. He kept asking what he had done to loose me and what he could do to get me back.

Anyway I cant rehash everything we talked about, but by the end I just said goodbye and walked away… and I wanted to cry. And I did cry. The conversation was good because I finally closed a chapter in my life. I got the closure I needed. And I broke someone’s heart… something I never expected to do… but I got the part of me back that I had given him and I gave the part of him I took back to him… and it’s done, and now that its over… I’m relieved…. Sad at the way things had to go down, but I can move on now. Move on in my life and see what God may have for me. And though I will never forget him or the relationship I had with him, I am done. And am just giving it all to God.

I realize this is not my normal blog bc I’m not big about blogging abt boy drama, but this was a huge part of my life to be honest and it was a big thing for me to do, and if you knew fully everything, you would see how “grown up” I’ve become. And I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but when I sat there at saw who I was when I was 19 and with him and who I am now at 21, I saw my own growth and how I’ve changed and I praise God for it.

So I closed a chapter in my life yesterday and I’m excited about this new chapter.