Closing a Chapter

So it’s spring break and I’m here with my best friend in Radford VA. I love my best friend. And I’m sad we can’t be at the same school but that’s how it is at the moment. I’m enjoying this break. It’s my best friends birthday week and we are having a blast. However, apart of coming to visit Jessie meant having to deal with an ex of mine. Yes I know I’ve never really dated but this guy and I met Jessie’s freshman year and we had a thing.. and by thing I mean he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend but we never called it that back then bc I didn’t want to consider myself to be dating a non Christian. However looking back on it now that’s what it was. We were in a relationship. A long distant relationship. Well I ended it between us very poorly and immaturely and I haven’t seen or talked to him since. Well part of this trip here I knew that I was going to have deal with this guy but I really wasn’t sure what was going to go down.

Well I had seen him on Monday but we didn’t speak to each other.. I was waiting to see if he would say hello first. However he hasn’t change and wouldn’t dare take initiative. So on Tuesday I saw him b4 class with Jessie and I was like I just want to get this over with so I went and talked to him. It was awkward at first but… then we eased into our old way of talking.

The problem with getting in a relationship as deep as I got in with this guy is the fact that we know each other. I know his looks and gestures and he knows mine. So I didn’t feel like I could hide behind my walls bc he sees those walls and calls them out. So I was like lets have at it.

We talked a little before class and then he was in Jessie’s class so we went to class and I told Jessie to go ahead back to the apartment I need to handle my business. So He and I went to Dalton and he got food.. wanted to buy me food but I wouldn’t let him. And we sat there for 2 hours and like recapped our relationship and then I allowed him to ask me whatever because we couldn’t just be friends.

He called me by my pet name and uhg… it was harder then I was expecting it to be. It was to easy to talk to him. See we were friends but we don’t know how to be just friends.

He still cares for me and well to be honest he said he was still in love with me. In love with me…. “Nledi I still love you… please don’t cut me out again.” I’m not gonna act like I didn’t care and I felt nothing for him. And when he said that my heart strings were played and a part of me wanted to cave. But I know better. We cant just be friends because he still cares for me and I know that I would be taking the risk of falling for him again. I hate that I care about people so much. And I like helping people. But I cant put myself in a place where I’ll be drained or whatever.

So I said goodbye to him last night. Goodbye for good even though I’m going to see him all week in Jessie’s classes. I told him I have no problem saying hi and I’m not angry at him or anything. But it wont be like old times…. He kept asking what he had done to loose me and what he could do to get me back.

Anyway I cant rehash everything we talked about, but by the end I just said goodbye and walked away… and I wanted to cry. And I did cry. The conversation was good because I finally closed a chapter in my life. I got the closure I needed. And I broke someone’s heart… something I never expected to do… but I got the part of me back that I had given him and I gave the part of him I took back to him… and it’s done, and now that its over… I’m relieved…. Sad at the way things had to go down, but I can move on now. Move on in my life and see what God may have for me. And though I will never forget him or the relationship I had with him, I am done. And am just giving it all to God.

I realize this is not my normal blog bc I’m not big about blogging abt boy drama, but this was a huge part of my life to be honest and it was a big thing for me to do, and if you knew fully everything, you would see how “grown up” I’ve become. And I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but when I sat there at saw who I was when I was 19 and with him and who I am now at 21, I saw my own growth and how I’ve changed and I praise God for it.

So I closed a chapter in my life yesterday and I’m excited about this new chapter.

Samuel 1:1-18.. my Directing scene

Here's my directing scene:

Samuel 1:1-18

Peninnah – Thank you Lord that I am able to bare children. They are my greatest joys. Hannah has not God blessed Elkanah and I greatly?

Hannah – Yes…

Elkanah – Hannah, I love you…

Hannah- I love you too

Peninnah – Poor Hannah unable to give Elkanah the children he deserves…

Hannah – I want to…

Elkanah – Why are you sad my dear?

Hannah – O God…

Peninnah – What type of wife are you.. you cant even bare a child.. you’re worthless

Hannah – no…

Penninah – you’re nothing as a wife without children

Hannah – please…

Peninnah – You’re a disgrace to women Hannah…

Hannah – (starting to weep)

Elkanah – Am I not better than 10 sons Hannah? I love you more, care about you more…

Hannah – it’s not enough….

Peninnah – worthless woman

Elkanah – I love you…

Hannah – STOP! (she gets to her knees weeping) Father, please, please remember me. I have served you with my whole heart. Please God? May I not have a son? Lord I ask, as a woman in anguish… please… give me a son. Peninnah has been so blessed… Oh God what type of wife am I that I can’t bare children? Lord, Father if you give me a son I will give him back to you and bring him up to serve you…. I promise….

Eli – (hushed tones) Woman! Do you come drunk to the House of God?

Hannah – No sir, no indeed… I am not intoxicated… I’m.. I’m so hurt… I just… I cant… (weeping)… I need Him to move in my life… I’m not drunk.. I’ve been sitting here pouring out my heart…. I need Him to… to move.. I cant take it any more… I…

Eli - Shhh good woman. Don’t be troubled any longer. Go in peace and God will grant you’re petition

Hannah – (relief and getting up) thank you.. o thank you so much….

Hannah exits.

Blackout.

Keeping my eyes ahead

I just felt the need to rant/share what's on my heart:

Some of the Theatre students have gone to a theatre conference in Tennessee. I really wanted to go to KCACTF, however I didn’t have the funds and also I believed God wanted me to stay here. I’m not 100% sure yet why, but God’s been doing a work in me and teaching me many things about myself. I love when God speaks through me. I really do. It’s so… I don’t know how to explain it. I’m honored that God would want to use me to speak into others lives. And sometimes I end up speaking to myself too. But then there are these times when God can speak through me to so many people and I’m sitting here just wanting my own word. I’m in my own struggle and I just want to know what’s going on with me. I want me fixed so more of him can come out. But we are all going through our own refining process.

During Elephant Man I had gotten so busy that my God time had depleted and I was hanging around people who don’t have the same value system as I do , and I ended up falling back into an old pattern of cursing. I didn’t like myself for it, and I gave myself a hard time about it. I was something that I thought I had taken care of , but its like taking a person who use to struggle with alcohol and giving them a job in the bar. No matter how delivered they are, when you’re put back into that environment it becomes a temptation. Well I was around theatre kids who have no problem using that language., and I know most people don’t see the big deal, but this is something that has been between me and God. And I got around them and I spoke out against someone for the language they were using one night and the next night I cursed them out and cursed myself out… I was very upset, but it didn’t make that type of behavior ok.

I have apologized to the fellow thespian and we’ve come to an understanding. God forgave me and I had to forgive myself. And I have to learn to stay close to him. Being a Christian in the theatre world is difficult. And we’re all at a different place in our walk, but I do want to make sure everyone knows how important it is to know your own business, especially in the performing arts world. People will eat you alive wanting to know why you believe what you believe and they want to know what effects your boundaries. Are you willing to curse on stage? Kiss on stage? Be nude on stage?

This is a time of fine-tuning, God stretching me to see how I’ll go and where I’ll put a blockade up. I’m learning a lot hear at Regent and I love the people here and I love the school. And I’m learning to stay moldable, and willing to admit when I’ve fallen but to get back up and continue to run this race that I’m in. And run it with my eyes looking forward at the Father.

Life Thus Far...

Hey Bloggers!

So life has been crazy busy this semester. I have Intro to Tap, Voice and Diction, Stagecraft, Fundamentals of Directing, Acting 1 and a Practicum. I’m working on my practicum at the moment. Elephant Man. The show is really good, and things are going great, its just that it takes so much time to work on a show. And there’s been so much drama with my friends.. and to be honest I haven’t been the same ‘ol Jessica since I got back from break. So in essence there is lots going on… but at the same time none of it really with me. Course I love my classes and everything I have to do with them. Its intense with lots of projects but I feel up to the challenge.

Other things I am apart of is RUC (the Regent Undergrad Council), Tangled (dance team), and for whatever reason.. I just signed up for the choir… when am I gonna have time to sing? I mean really? But I miss singing… I’ll give it a shot since after this week I wont be so busy.

But Teching Elephant Man is such a different experience from As You Like It.. for AYLI I was sound op.. so I felt connected more to the techies than anybody else. But for this show I’m a dresser and I’m in it so I’m more connected to the cast in a sense.. however, some of the 3^rd year MFA actors have something up their butt they need to pull out so they can be civilized human beings and not so rude or divas.

Yes even in Christian Theatre we have our Diva’s, but at the same times its still so different from the secular world. The Divas in the secular world are very into themselves and talk about u behind their back usually or wont even acknowledge your presence.. Here all our diva’s do is ignore your existence until they need for something. Plus they act like the undergrad doesn’t have any stories or knowledge about theatre in general. As if I don’t know what I’m doing. I do know what I’m doing. I went to a performing arts high school and no it wasn’t all professional and college level though a lot of it was, but what I learned was useful and true to the art form. Don’t belittle me or anyone or talk down to me because I’m younger then u and still in undergrad. You don’t know me thank you very much!

Sorry… that was a little venting moment. But anyway…. Life is crazy and I’m still trying to catch up and get on my feet. I need a rest for sure… a brak.. why haven’t I rested yet? Will I get one? Not in the theatre my friend… it hardly ever happens… problem that needs to be balanced.

2010

Hello Bloggers!

I’m back at school, last semester ended really well and break was ok and now I’m in the New Year! YAY 2010!!!!! I’m excited! So this semester I have all theatre classes, which I’m extremely excited about. So on Mondays and Wednesdays I have voice and diction and then intro to tap… so those I’m calling my workout days, because I have dress out on both days and they are physically intense classes. SO YAY!!!! I’m so excited for them!!!! On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have Stagecraft, then Fundamentals of Directing, and then Basic Acting I. I consider those days my intense project class days. Well Basic Acting not as much as the other two. But still so much work is going to have to go into them. But I’m so excited to learn and do theatre. I love every aspect of it. Unfortunately I cannot afford to buy books this semester so thankfully some friends are letting me borrow books to do homework and I did find some books at the library, but I’m totally trusting God n thins one.

I have an excited anticipation for this semester; I feel in almost every way. Like I I’m stoked about my classes, and I know God’s gonna get me through on finances… I’m not sure how…. But he got me through last semester so I know he’s got something great planned for me this semester. I’m just totally doing what I can and trusting Him to do his thing. And I’m just excited to see what Gods gonna do in using me and in teaching me. I’m so excited about growing in God.

After the first two days of classes and reading what’s due and everything that’s gone on I feel like I’m falling in love with theatre again. I mean I’ve always loved theatre tremendously, but its like.. a deeper love for it. I went two years without theatre and I wasn’t myself, but I’m remembering things now. Remember the feelings and sensations and struggles and excitement of all these things. It’s super exciting. Yes there are some “scary” parts but overall I’m pumped.

It’s a new year guys I know God’s gonna do some amazing things and I just want to open myself up and be His instrument in whatever way that I can. And I know that even when those hard times come, I’ll take those moments and just give it to Jesus and honestly this amazing peace comes. I love that peace. Its peace that says, I got this. It’s the peace that says I don’t have to be in control and in fact I’m not in control, what a relief. Its such a huge responsibility to be in control, and I’m so glad I’ve given that responsibility of my life to God.

But I digress; this semester holds some very exciting things. And Ill try to keep everyone up to date so they know what’s going on the theatre world here at Regent and just what’s going on in my life in general.

Welcome to the New Year guys!!! It’s a fresh start, a new beginning, and it’s gonna be a good one!

God Bless!

Finals.. this is what happens after late nights

The past couple weeks have been kind of crazy, not gonna lie. Between shows and finals and papers and getting close to people, I’ve really treasured these last couple of weeks. God’s been teaching me things about myself and…. I’ve really been in a place. Truly… so much has occurred…. I’m overwhelmed but at peace all at the same time….

I love being here, it really feels like my home right now… I feel like I have two homes, because I’ve come to miss Richmond which I didn’t think would happen, but its not Richmond itself, it’s the people there that I’ve left behind.

I’ve realized…no… I’ve always known, I just haven’t articulated fully I guess, that I’m very much an out of sight, out of mind person. Not literally… like I don’t necessarily forget people but I focus in on the moments I’m in…

I think that’s why my father holds so tight because he’s scared that if he lets me go to far I’ll disappear off the planet. I don’t mean to make people feel like I forget them, because I don’t, I just… I’ve gotten burned putting so much effort into relationships, and so to me a real relationship should be effortless. Like my best friend and I talk all the time… we talk at the least every other day. But it’s so effortless with her. But like with my parents and siblings and even people I love and am close too at home.. I just don’t communicate that often… I mean I’ll stop by their facebook and leave some love or text or sometimes even call.. but I’m just… not gonna make all the effort.. n if we don’t have a reason to talk.. although I do appreciate the random conversations that mean nothing.. those are some of my favorite convos… but I guess I find myself to not be that great of a communicator.. but I think it goes both ways….

I guess I bring this up cuz I’ve just been noticing how often my friends have been in contact wit there parents, and its true most of the time it’s the parents calling.. but still… I don’t talk to my parents that often.. maybe once a month… I’m so different and love being away and independent and on my own.. but the problem with that.. is I tend to struggle on my own… I keep my inner most secrets unless its pulled out of me and I just… don’t talk.

It’s the holidays and I haven’t really made a Christmas list like I usually do, I’m so excited to simply see people and spend time with them and have conversations and see where God has brought people. I feel like such a changed person… and even when I’ve gone home people have said they feel like I’m a changed person…

For my birthday Jessie said she didn’t know what to do with me because I had changed so much and it wasn’t bad.. it was just different.. I’ve heard other little comments like this and I wonder what that means… what could they mean?

I’ve been on a roller coaster adventure and its not over… I don’t know what lays before me but I’m excited about it.. I have this anticipation for next semester and I don’t know what it is… but I’m excited and nervous all at the same time.. there’s this calm I feel.. a peace that’s unexplainable.. but its that peace of.. everything’s going to be okay… so like does that mean something’s going to happen?

I don’t know.. I’m tired and delusional and stressed and I’m just in this new place of everything and nothing all at once… I just don’t know…

As You Like It

AYLI has been so great. I've learned so much being sound operator and I’ve met some amazing and talented people.

Highlights of teching would be:

-the fun we have on headset

-the fun we have in the green room

-Tech night where all the guys, except 2, tore there shirts off for the curtain call dance extravaganza.. awkward and yet hilarious

-Ryan and the ness that is him

-Andy and the ness that is him

-Verbal abuse over the headset by Jeff

-Screaming teenagers at the sight of "Orlando"

-All the small movie references that have been put in… that only a few people get

-Jesiah always coming in and attempting to scare.. it hasn't worked, hence the attempt

Things that arn't so happy but still all apart of the experience:

-coming in the sound booth and everything have been changed and cleaned up and put away and completely screwed up because of the film festival... it took me an hour to find all the things missing and get everything back in its proper place.

-TV studio coming onto our headset channel in the middle of a show

-mike tape disappearing 15 min before the house opens

-CTV student coming through the booth just for a short cut in the middle of a performance (show some respect will ya? you wouldn't want a person to walk through the middle of a film shoot would u? I think not!)

All in all this has been an amazing experience, and I love it so much and I’ll sorta miss it when its gone.. but I’m also ready to be able to sleep again. But I sure do love the life of a theatre kid.