Summer fun

Last summer- Valley of the Giants. Amazing.... love summer adventures

It's not over

Hey Friends. It’s been a little while since I updated.

I'm still working at Ruby Tuesdays. And to be honest I had almost given up hope on possibly attending Regent in the fall. However because God loves me he has put it in my friend’s hearts to fundraise for me. I'm so honored that they care so much to help me graduate. And also today I heard news that my academic advisor might have a plan on me attending in the fall. I have to set up a meeting with him to here these details but I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I want to attend classes in the fall, but it's hard for me to see right now.

When God asked me if I would be ok with not going to class in the fall, I felt like it meant not going. I know sometimes just asks to see what we say or do, but under my circumstances it was very believable. And now... I was looking at some old writings of mine on another blog and God's asked me to give u a dream before. And so it wasn't a surprise. But then I had to sit and ask myself do I really believe I serve a God who keeps taking me away from the dreams he's placed in me? God doesn't want to see me fail.

Most everybody has there own hurts and trust issues. And to each person its deep and personal and not something we think other people can understand. This is how I feel. I mistrust God with my future because I've been hurt so deeply. And God was protecting me in those times I just couldn't see it. I sit here and ask myself how much is God gonna ask me to sacrifice and give up? And then I realized, He asked for all of it.

It’s such a deep slap in the face when you think you're giving your all to God and then you see how much of your flesh you've actually held back. You see yourself in a whole new light. However you can’t dwell on it and have a spiritual pity party. It’s a painful process peeling of the layers of flesh and laying them on the alter and simply trusting God to be Himself, God… the creator and maker of the universe and the lover of your soul.

So I have 8 weeks before school starts again and I believe God can change things. How I thought my life at Regent was going to be certainly isn’t the case… but it’s not time for me to leave yet. I still have learning to do, and I still have lives to touch.

Jeremiah 29:11

Update on life...

So update on my life… I’m looking for a second job because Ruby Tuesday just isn’t going to cut it. I’ve applied at the school for three different positions. I’m concerned that the fact that I’m not in good financial standing is gonna be a problem but I’m praying through it. I mean I need a job in order to pay off tuition. I have some great friends though. My friend Julie has been coming up with ideas and ways to get me money to give the school. At the moment we are working on getting some kids together to do a car wash. I’m excited about it. And I feel honored to have friends care so much about my college education.

In other news. I’m going to the eye doctor on Friday. Secret about me… I’m not a fan of the eye doctor. I asked Tianna to accompany me because I dislike it that much. I haven’t been to the eye doctor in so long. I want to say maybe since I was 13 or 14… maybe earlier… I’m not sure. Ok so I’m a little scared. More because I’m scarred they’ll tell me I need glasses. I know glasses aren’t a big deal anymore. But I’ve had perfect vision since I was a little girl. But I have noticed I’ve had more headaches and I’ve been squinting at my computer and when I read. So they may just be reading glasses, but still. I find it interesting that this would bother me. But I really took my perfect eyesight for granted. No I did more than that. It is a hit to my pride in a sense. I was always so proud that I was the only in my family who didn’t need glasses. Although I have been told that its normal for kids need to get glasses once they reach college because their reading has enhanced. That’s weird that because I read more I need glasses. But oh well. If I need glass then I’ll need glasses. And I’ll just get over it, because it really isn’t a big deal.

So Sarah and I have been reading Shakespeare and going through this Shakespeare book. And it really has been great. And we practiced tap. I miss tap. I miss dancing. I also got her and Jen to give me contacts for voice lessons. I’m not sure I can afford it but I’m at least gonna look at it. I miss singing and I want to get my voice back up to par.

I really think that’s it for right now. Nothing crazy. Same ol same ol.

Yes I’m still working on the being content in the moment thing and not rushing ahead. It’s a hard thing for me to do, but I really do need to enjoy just this moment. Even if it’s a boring moment. Because I think I take life for granted. And I need to take it all in and really enjoy my life, even if its not where I thought I’d be or where I’d thought I’d be. I need to accept it and enjoy it.

i want to win a free trip to Africa

http://freeafricatrip.com/?fbid=7yX4DqThTHt

How He Loves Us

He is jealous for me – God, the creator of the universe, is jealous for me… FOR me… not OF me, but FOR… meaning he created me, he has plans and purposes for me, he wants to just spread his love on me… he is fiercely protective of his children and He wants us to be faithful to him as creator-

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree – God’s love is like a hurricane… a hurricane- a violent wind, uproar or force… and we are trees in a hurricane… God’s love comes in and sweeps us up, uproots us, and surrounds us…-

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy-being shaped under his protection into all that he has us to be, taking out our heart and replacing it with his…-

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory- when the glory comes down and it’s no longer me, but God, moving within me… and I get what I call Jesus jerks…-

And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me- becoming fully aware of your excellence and how intense you feel about me…-

Oh, How he loves us so.

Oh, How he loves us

How He loves us so.- He has affection for us, even more so he finds pleasure in us.

Yeah, He loves us

Woah, How He loves us

Woah, How He loves us

Woah, how He loves.- Once again it’s so great it has to be repeated over and over in order for us to understand not just with our heads but with our hearts…-

So we are His portion- each one of us is a single part of a bigger group…-

And he is our prize- we get Him when we strive for Him…-

Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes- we see favor (approval) in his eyes and it draws us to repent and seek after him…-

If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking- if God’s favor were an ocean.. an OCEAN people, then we are being submerged into his grace which is his favor for us, fully covered, drowning…-

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss- the sky and the ground meet in a passionate collision…-

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest- you’ve come to the full realization of how intense God feels for you..-

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way- I cannot continue to be sad or disappointed in my past actions or myself when I really direct my mind to understand…-

That he loves us.

Woah, How He loves us,

Woah. How He loves us,

Woah How He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,

Woah, How He loves us,

Woah. How He loves us,

Woah How He loves.

I do not think we can fully contain God’s love, because its so magnificent it could crush us. We cannot in our human bodies hold the power of God… but he does le us have sips of it.. and as we get use to the sips he’ll start letting us have sippy cups of it, then regular cups, then moving to pints, quarts and gallons… but its so intense and the more we walk into it, and walk in it, the farther we will be able to relate to this world we live in.. so if you cant handle people thinking you’re crazy, then walk away now, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride and God has crazy things in store but you have to be willing to give your all, and not care about anyone else’s opinion.

Are you ready to jump?

15 Random Thoughts

People are silly complex beings whom God loves... but sometimes I just don’t understand why.

2. I was in Food Lion today and a little girl who looked exactly like Dora the Explorer was sitting in one of the carts that looked like a car and a police officer was hovering around.. I thought odd…. Come to fine out the little girl had been left L she had to of been no more then 2 or 3.

3. I’ve been rather emotional this week which only means one thing, my end of sentence punctuation is coming soon :/

4. I have this crazy love for learning, watching, and performing Shakespeare but when it comes to actually reading it I sometimes get bored….

5. I owe Regent $8000. I have no idea how I’m going to pay them so that I can take classes in the fall.

6. God asked me a week or two back if I’d be ok with not going back to Regent for a semester… I have yet to give him an answer.

7. I realized that I have been desperately trying to replace a friendship from my past with people in my present. This isn’t ok because I can never have that friendship back again, and I need to be happy with the friendships I make as they are not make them into something else.

8. I’m always trying to jump ahead and I need to spend more time enjoying the moment I’m in.

9. I use to be so passionate about my dreams and God’s plan for me… and now I’m in this place of… almost complacency… I don’t think it’s ok to be complacent.

10. There is a person who has made me feel used. They came around a lot and many things happened and we got close... and then they disappeared… leaving me wondering… oh so many things…

11. I have this crazy thing for lemons… so crazy I get tempted to just grab a lemon from the basket at work and bite into it.. but I don’t because it’s for the water’s and tea’s.

12. I don’t understand why everyone is breaking up… I mean seriously... what is up with all of that?

13. I know this may sound odd… but I really do enjoy spending time with homosexuals… I mean yes I know God is disgusted with there lifestyle… but he loves them.. and I do too… they can be so much fun… when they aren’t stuck on sex and lust.

14. There are so many people I should be praying for… who have asked me to pray for them… but lately I have not interceded on there behalf like I should have. I mean I still pray… but that intense intercession has not occurred.

15. I have a childhood dream that I haven’t let go of yet… I want to marry an African prince… and go save his country one play at a time.

May lessons

So I didn’t get the part in The Secret Garden but it was fun auditioning and it was good to get out of Regent. I’m going to continue to look up auditions in the area and try out. Really get myself out there you know?

In other news I got to go home for a night and a day. That was really good for me to see my family. We caught up on everything. I stayed up until 3 talking to my cousin and then my nephews woke me up at 7… fun… I was tired but it was good to be at my home church on the day of Pentecost. And to see everyone. I surprised my parents. They weren’t expecting to see me. That was fun J

Something I’ve noticed for a while is my sisters attitude towards me. She loves me I know but she’s always trying to compete with me for my parents attention. As a matter of fact she competes with me for everyone’s attention. I mean I had just gotten home and instead of talking about all that had been occurring in my life my sister was talking about things that occurred when she lived in Texas. I don’t tend to care as in it doesn’t hurt me. I’m not really into competing for attention anymore.. it just makes me so sad for her that she has to be that way. And my sister is very sarcastic and outspoken but when you’re sarcastic with her or dish to her what she dishes to you she gets offended. She’s 25 and has 5 year olds tantrums. It makes me so sad that my sister and I use to be close then we grew apart because she matured and now we’re separate because I’m more mature. It’s so strange. She used to be someone I would look up to but now I just pity her.

And its true that I get a bigger reaction out of people when I return from somewhere but I mean she’s been in Texas for 3 years and no one really knows her. She’s been back for 3 months and still hasn’t connected with anyone in the church. It’s so sad.

In other things… I’m glad I’m living here in Va Beach for the moment. People asked if I was home for the summer and being home I saw how I’d been fine and happy at home. But at the same time I knew I was suppose to be her for the moment. It’s like my sister and I have traded places. I’m now out of the house and living on my own going to school and working. And my sister is home.

I sometimes wonder if I’ve made a judgment or inner vow when I was little that I need to take care of.

I use to look up to my sister and then I didn’t want to be anything like her… an now I just pity her.. they way she is… the way she’s become. I know being at home will be good for her. I really hope to see her grow being at church.

Anyway moving on. Things I’ve learned and something that God has been working on me is that I’m never content in the moment and I’m always trying to jump ahead to something new.. but I rush my life away that way.. so I’m working on being happy in the moment and really just enjoying everything as it comes and not trying to rush to the next thing.. I realize I’m less stressed this way

Also I’ve realized how chill it is when I don’t know everybody’s business.. I mean I care about my friends and of course I want to be there for them but I realize.. well I’ve known for a while that I live through others people vicariously and need to stop doing that because I have my own life and need to focus on it. And I’m a lot less stressed when I don’t know everything about everyone…. I’m such a burden barer.

This time in my life is just very… relaxing and free.. and that’s good.