a little bit of this.. a little bit of that....

So I’m a very busy little girl with lots of rehearsals and such.. people look at my schedule and are like wow jess… but its only for another 2 weeks and then the end of the semester comes around and I will rest.

So I’ve been sick and fighting a cold and I didn’t go to classes on wed. and Thursday and just rested and today I am feeling better. I still have a cough but that’s ok.. I’m alive and I’m around people again, which is great.

So recently I’ve felt like I’ve been in many places…. I’ve ad freak out moments and awesome Jesus moments and just complete exhaustion moments.. and the following jokes are ones I’ve found funny along with my other delusional friends.

What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her out? Shore

What happened to the girl sea when she pissed the boy sea off? She got beach-slapped

What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car? Robin, get in the car.

Guy to girl: Do you have any Italian in you?

Girl to guy: No

Guy to girl: Do ya want some?

Ok so yes we laughed and laughed over these and much more… but that’s just where we are at. So sad I know.. but it was a great night of exhaustion.

So now onto my venting session. So I cant stand when people hear that I’m a theatre major and they just say “oh” and they put us down and say we should pick a major that we could get a job with after we graduate and they question what we can possibly do with a theatre degree. And its like they see us as children and want us to “grow up”. Well I have news for you. Not everyone who is a theatre major want to go and be famous. Its not that type of dream. And to be honest the likely hood of being famous in the theatre is very rare.. and we know this going into it. We just love to perform or tech or direct, playwright, stage manage.. there are so many things you can do in the theatre.. and no you make very much money… but its what we love and God put that desire to perform in us for a reason.. and you don’t even know what peoples dreams are.. I mean people ask me and they are blown away by what I feel God has called me to do… yes its intense and maybe it seems impossible to you “I’ve lost all my dreams” people and you’ve let your “reality” dictate your life, but I’m a fighter and yes I know life is hard and we can plan and things don’t happen the way we plan them, but God’s given me a dream and he told me to come to school for theatre so I’m here because HE is the author of my steps NOT money and careers.

So please get over your bitterness of how sucky your life is because you didn’t choose to fight for your dreams and Do something with your life. Enjoy life because it’s meant to be enjoyed.

Guys, theatre people aren’t just having fun 24 hr a day.. it’s hard work with late night hours and stress and strain and a huge character building scary, fun crazy life. And it really causes you to stretch and get out of your comfort zone…. So don’t hate.

Breathing through the stress and strain

So the weeks have passed and so many things have happened in my life. I feel the stretch of the final weeks and I try to keep myself together so that I don’t fall to pieces.

I have rehearsals for Dramatus Personae. Which consists of one scene which my lines are thankfully already memorized, and song which I’m in the process of memorizing and a dance that we need to finish choreographing.

Then I have a Drirectors book I have to put together and I need to find a Stanley for my directing scene, and find time to rehearse it, because it does up as my final grade the same week as Dramatus Personae.

And for Acting I have to memorize my lines and have rehearsal for that scene which also goes up the week of Dramatus.

And lets not forget the two critique papers that I have to write, the Tap presentation that I need to finish and present on Monday with my amazing partner Ash.

And work on the tap choreo that I have to make up myself, and remembering the final tap piece choreo.

The Stagecraft project., which I still have no idea what it is…

And on top of this I must balance a social life, a financial situation, and be sure that my normal weekly house keeping duties are fulfilled… along with getting prepared for the summer and all that entails.

How am I doing all this? Prayer. I can’t begin to explain the emotional and physical strain I have been in this week. I don’t know that I even want to go over it again, I’m still processing my own stuff. And its hard to process when I’m constantly on the go, but God is ever faithful and as long as I take the time with him that I need, I seem to be getting through it with peace in my heart. Which is good because this is not the time to panic.

So I’m breathing and trying to take it moment by moment. And day by day. And remembering to breathe more than anything.

Closing a Chapter

So it’s spring break and I’m here with my best friend in Radford VA. I love my best friend. And I’m sad we can’t be at the same school but that’s how it is at the moment. I’m enjoying this break. It’s my best friends birthday week and we are having a blast. However, apart of coming to visit Jessie meant having to deal with an ex of mine. Yes I know I’ve never really dated but this guy and I met Jessie’s freshman year and we had a thing.. and by thing I mean he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend but we never called it that back then bc I didn’t want to consider myself to be dating a non Christian. However looking back on it now that’s what it was. We were in a relationship. A long distant relationship. Well I ended it between us very poorly and immaturely and I haven’t seen or talked to him since. Well part of this trip here I knew that I was going to have deal with this guy but I really wasn’t sure what was going to go down.

Well I had seen him on Monday but we didn’t speak to each other.. I was waiting to see if he would say hello first. However he hasn’t change and wouldn’t dare take initiative. So on Tuesday I saw him b4 class with Jessie and I was like I just want to get this over with so I went and talked to him. It was awkward at first but… then we eased into our old way of talking.

The problem with getting in a relationship as deep as I got in with this guy is the fact that we know each other. I know his looks and gestures and he knows mine. So I didn’t feel like I could hide behind my walls bc he sees those walls and calls them out. So I was like lets have at it.

We talked a little before class and then he was in Jessie’s class so we went to class and I told Jessie to go ahead back to the apartment I need to handle my business. So He and I went to Dalton and he got food.. wanted to buy me food but I wouldn’t let him. And we sat there for 2 hours and like recapped our relationship and then I allowed him to ask me whatever because we couldn’t just be friends.

He called me by my pet name and uhg… it was harder then I was expecting it to be. It was to easy to talk to him. See we were friends but we don’t know how to be just friends.

He still cares for me and well to be honest he said he was still in love with me. In love with me…. “Nledi I still love you… please don’t cut me out again.” I’m not gonna act like I didn’t care and I felt nothing for him. And when he said that my heart strings were played and a part of me wanted to cave. But I know better. We cant just be friends because he still cares for me and I know that I would be taking the risk of falling for him again. I hate that I care about people so much. And I like helping people. But I cant put myself in a place where I’ll be drained or whatever.

So I said goodbye to him last night. Goodbye for good even though I’m going to see him all week in Jessie’s classes. I told him I have no problem saying hi and I’m not angry at him or anything. But it wont be like old times…. He kept asking what he had done to loose me and what he could do to get me back.

Anyway I cant rehash everything we talked about, but by the end I just said goodbye and walked away… and I wanted to cry. And I did cry. The conversation was good because I finally closed a chapter in my life. I got the closure I needed. And I broke someone’s heart… something I never expected to do… but I got the part of me back that I had given him and I gave the part of him I took back to him… and it’s done, and now that its over… I’m relieved…. Sad at the way things had to go down, but I can move on now. Move on in my life and see what God may have for me. And though I will never forget him or the relationship I had with him, I am done. And am just giving it all to God.

I realize this is not my normal blog bc I’m not big about blogging abt boy drama, but this was a huge part of my life to be honest and it was a big thing for me to do, and if you knew fully everything, you would see how “grown up” I’ve become. And I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but when I sat there at saw who I was when I was 19 and with him and who I am now at 21, I saw my own growth and how I’ve changed and I praise God for it.

So I closed a chapter in my life yesterday and I’m excited about this new chapter.

Samuel 1:1-18.. my Directing scene

Here's my directing scene:

Samuel 1:1-18

Peninnah – Thank you Lord that I am able to bare children. They are my greatest joys. Hannah has not God blessed Elkanah and I greatly?

Hannah – Yes…

Elkanah – Hannah, I love you…

Hannah- I love you too

Peninnah – Poor Hannah unable to give Elkanah the children he deserves…

Hannah – I want to…

Elkanah – Why are you sad my dear?

Hannah – O God…

Peninnah – What type of wife are you.. you cant even bare a child.. you’re worthless

Hannah – no…

Penninah – you’re nothing as a wife without children

Hannah – please…

Peninnah – You’re a disgrace to women Hannah…

Hannah – (starting to weep)

Elkanah – Am I not better than 10 sons Hannah? I love you more, care about you more…

Hannah – it’s not enough….

Peninnah – worthless woman

Elkanah – I love you…

Hannah – STOP! (she gets to her knees weeping) Father, please, please remember me. I have served you with my whole heart. Please God? May I not have a son? Lord I ask, as a woman in anguish… please… give me a son. Peninnah has been so blessed… Oh God what type of wife am I that I can’t bare children? Lord, Father if you give me a son I will give him back to you and bring him up to serve you…. I promise….

Eli – (hushed tones) Woman! Do you come drunk to the House of God?

Hannah – No sir, no indeed… I am not intoxicated… I’m.. I’m so hurt… I just… I cant… (weeping)… I need Him to move in my life… I’m not drunk.. I’ve been sitting here pouring out my heart…. I need Him to… to move.. I cant take it any more… I…

Eli - Shhh good woman. Don’t be troubled any longer. Go in peace and God will grant you’re petition

Hannah – (relief and getting up) thank you.. o thank you so much….

Hannah exits.

Blackout.

Keeping my eyes ahead

I just felt the need to rant/share what's on my heart:

Some of the Theatre students have gone to a theatre conference in Tennessee. I really wanted to go to KCACTF, however I didn’t have the funds and also I believed God wanted me to stay here. I’m not 100% sure yet why, but God’s been doing a work in me and teaching me many things about myself. I love when God speaks through me. I really do. It’s so… I don’t know how to explain it. I’m honored that God would want to use me to speak into others lives. And sometimes I end up speaking to myself too. But then there are these times when God can speak through me to so many people and I’m sitting here just wanting my own word. I’m in my own struggle and I just want to know what’s going on with me. I want me fixed so more of him can come out. But we are all going through our own refining process.

During Elephant Man I had gotten so busy that my God time had depleted and I was hanging around people who don’t have the same value system as I do , and I ended up falling back into an old pattern of cursing. I didn’t like myself for it, and I gave myself a hard time about it. I was something that I thought I had taken care of , but its like taking a person who use to struggle with alcohol and giving them a job in the bar. No matter how delivered they are, when you’re put back into that environment it becomes a temptation. Well I was around theatre kids who have no problem using that language., and I know most people don’t see the big deal, but this is something that has been between me and God. And I got around them and I spoke out against someone for the language they were using one night and the next night I cursed them out and cursed myself out… I was very upset, but it didn’t make that type of behavior ok.

I have apologized to the fellow thespian and we’ve come to an understanding. God forgave me and I had to forgive myself. And I have to learn to stay close to him. Being a Christian in the theatre world is difficult. And we’re all at a different place in our walk, but I do want to make sure everyone knows how important it is to know your own business, especially in the performing arts world. People will eat you alive wanting to know why you believe what you believe and they want to know what effects your boundaries. Are you willing to curse on stage? Kiss on stage? Be nude on stage?

This is a time of fine-tuning, God stretching me to see how I’ll go and where I’ll put a blockade up. I’m learning a lot hear at Regent and I love the people here and I love the school. And I’m learning to stay moldable, and willing to admit when I’ve fallen but to get back up and continue to run this race that I’m in. And run it with my eyes looking forward at the Father.

Life Thus Far...

Hey Bloggers!

So life has been crazy busy this semester. I have Intro to Tap, Voice and Diction, Stagecraft, Fundamentals of Directing, Acting 1 and a Practicum. I’m working on my practicum at the moment. Elephant Man. The show is really good, and things are going great, its just that it takes so much time to work on a show. And there’s been so much drama with my friends.. and to be honest I haven’t been the same ‘ol Jessica since I got back from break. So in essence there is lots going on… but at the same time none of it really with me. Course I love my classes and everything I have to do with them. Its intense with lots of projects but I feel up to the challenge.

Other things I am apart of is RUC (the Regent Undergrad Council), Tangled (dance team), and for whatever reason.. I just signed up for the choir… when am I gonna have time to sing? I mean really? But I miss singing… I’ll give it a shot since after this week I wont be so busy.

But Teching Elephant Man is such a different experience from As You Like It.. for AYLI I was sound op.. so I felt connected more to the techies than anybody else. But for this show I’m a dresser and I’m in it so I’m more connected to the cast in a sense.. however, some of the 3^rd year MFA actors have something up their butt they need to pull out so they can be civilized human beings and not so rude or divas.

Yes even in Christian Theatre we have our Diva’s, but at the same times its still so different from the secular world. The Divas in the secular world are very into themselves and talk about u behind their back usually or wont even acknowledge your presence.. Here all our diva’s do is ignore your existence until they need for something. Plus they act like the undergrad doesn’t have any stories or knowledge about theatre in general. As if I don’t know what I’m doing. I do know what I’m doing. I went to a performing arts high school and no it wasn’t all professional and college level though a lot of it was, but what I learned was useful and true to the art form. Don’t belittle me or anyone or talk down to me because I’m younger then u and still in undergrad. You don’t know me thank you very much!

Sorry… that was a little venting moment. But anyway…. Life is crazy and I’m still trying to catch up and get on my feet. I need a rest for sure… a brak.. why haven’t I rested yet? Will I get one? Not in the theatre my friend… it hardly ever happens… problem that needs to be balanced.

2010

Hello Bloggers!

I’m back at school, last semester ended really well and break was ok and now I’m in the New Year! YAY 2010!!!!! I’m excited! So this semester I have all theatre classes, which I’m extremely excited about. So on Mondays and Wednesdays I have voice and diction and then intro to tap… so those I’m calling my workout days, because I have dress out on both days and they are physically intense classes. SO YAY!!!! I’m so excited for them!!!! On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have Stagecraft, then Fundamentals of Directing, and then Basic Acting I. I consider those days my intense project class days. Well Basic Acting not as much as the other two. But still so much work is going to have to go into them. But I’m so excited to learn and do theatre. I love every aspect of it. Unfortunately I cannot afford to buy books this semester so thankfully some friends are letting me borrow books to do homework and I did find some books at the library, but I’m totally trusting God n thins one.

I have an excited anticipation for this semester; I feel in almost every way. Like I I’m stoked about my classes, and I know God’s gonna get me through on finances… I’m not sure how…. But he got me through last semester so I know he’s got something great planned for me this semester. I’m just totally doing what I can and trusting Him to do his thing. And I’m just excited to see what Gods gonna do in using me and in teaching me. I’m so excited about growing in God.

After the first two days of classes and reading what’s due and everything that’s gone on I feel like I’m falling in love with theatre again. I mean I’ve always loved theatre tremendously, but its like.. a deeper love for it. I went two years without theatre and I wasn’t myself, but I’m remembering things now. Remember the feelings and sensations and struggles and excitement of all these things. It’s super exciting. Yes there are some “scary” parts but overall I’m pumped.

It’s a new year guys I know God’s gonna do some amazing things and I just want to open myself up and be His instrument in whatever way that I can. And I know that even when those hard times come, I’ll take those moments and just give it to Jesus and honestly this amazing peace comes. I love that peace. Its peace that says, I got this. It’s the peace that says I don’t have to be in control and in fact I’m not in control, what a relief. Its such a huge responsibility to be in control, and I’m so glad I’ve given that responsibility of my life to God.

But I digress; this semester holds some very exciting things. And Ill try to keep everyone up to date so they know what’s going on the theatre world here at Regent and just what’s going on in my life in general.

Welcome to the New Year guys!!! It’s a fresh start, a new beginning, and it’s gonna be a good one!

God Bless!