Closing a Chapter

So it’s spring break and I’m here with my best friend in Radford VA. I love my best friend. And I’m sad we can’t be at the same school but that’s how it is at the moment. I’m enjoying this break. It’s my best friends birthday week and we are having a blast. However, apart of coming to visit Jessie meant having to deal with an ex of mine. Yes I know I’ve never really dated but this guy and I met Jessie’s freshman year and we had a thing.. and by thing I mean he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend but we never called it that back then bc I didn’t want to consider myself to be dating a non Christian. However looking back on it now that’s what it was. We were in a relationship. A long distant relationship. Well I ended it between us very poorly and immaturely and I haven’t seen or talked to him since. Well part of this trip here I knew that I was going to have deal with this guy but I really wasn’t sure what was going to go down.

Well I had seen him on Monday but we didn’t speak to each other.. I was waiting to see if he would say hello first. However he hasn’t change and wouldn’t dare take initiative. So on Tuesday I saw him b4 class with Jessie and I was like I just want to get this over with so I went and talked to him. It was awkward at first but… then we eased into our old way of talking.

The problem with getting in a relationship as deep as I got in with this guy is the fact that we know each other. I know his looks and gestures and he knows mine. So I didn’t feel like I could hide behind my walls bc he sees those walls and calls them out. So I was like lets have at it.

We talked a little before class and then he was in Jessie’s class so we went to class and I told Jessie to go ahead back to the apartment I need to handle my business. So He and I went to Dalton and he got food.. wanted to buy me food but I wouldn’t let him. And we sat there for 2 hours and like recapped our relationship and then I allowed him to ask me whatever because we couldn’t just be friends.

He called me by my pet name and uhg… it was harder then I was expecting it to be. It was to easy to talk to him. See we were friends but we don’t know how to be just friends.

He still cares for me and well to be honest he said he was still in love with me. In love with me…. “Nledi I still love you… please don’t cut me out again.” I’m not gonna act like I didn’t care and I felt nothing for him. And when he said that my heart strings were played and a part of me wanted to cave. But I know better. We cant just be friends because he still cares for me and I know that I would be taking the risk of falling for him again. I hate that I care about people so much. And I like helping people. But I cant put myself in a place where I’ll be drained or whatever.

So I said goodbye to him last night. Goodbye for good even though I’m going to see him all week in Jessie’s classes. I told him I have no problem saying hi and I’m not angry at him or anything. But it wont be like old times…. He kept asking what he had done to loose me and what he could do to get me back.

Anyway I cant rehash everything we talked about, but by the end I just said goodbye and walked away… and I wanted to cry. And I did cry. The conversation was good because I finally closed a chapter in my life. I got the closure I needed. And I broke someone’s heart… something I never expected to do… but I got the part of me back that I had given him and I gave the part of him I took back to him… and it’s done, and now that its over… I’m relieved…. Sad at the way things had to go down, but I can move on now. Move on in my life and see what God may have for me. And though I will never forget him or the relationship I had with him, I am done. And am just giving it all to God.

I realize this is not my normal blog bc I’m not big about blogging abt boy drama, but this was a huge part of my life to be honest and it was a big thing for me to do, and if you knew fully everything, you would see how “grown up” I’ve become. And I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but when I sat there at saw who I was when I was 19 and with him and who I am now at 21, I saw my own growth and how I’ve changed and I praise God for it.

So I closed a chapter in my life yesterday and I’m excited about this new chapter.