Balances... Emotions... Numb...

I’m tired… I’m tired and my brain can’t think anymore. All the tests and lines and rehearsals and then add on my social life and I feel like I should explode at any moment but I’m too tired to even do that.

Humans are complex creatures and artists are even more complex… Megan said something that resonated with me today. Talking about law students “your paying all this money to make money, we’re paying all this money to be broke” How can you understand our reasoning?

I want the answers to these questions that I don’t seem to have the guts to ask… why? Maybe because I don’t know what answer I want to hear or maybe its because I don’t know that the answer I’ll be given will be honest. I feel like I’ve been bamboozled… or an attempt to bamboozle me was taken… did it work? I don’t play games so I just didn’t respond. I hope it didn’t work. I don’t know how I feel about it now. I was angry at the time. Angry and hurt, but now… now that I’ve had a few days to decompress I , I don’t know… I feel nothing…. I’m numb to it all. I’m not freaking out, I’m not overly thinking it. I’m just not thinking about it, but occasionally I just sit down in my head and see how I would ask, how I would question such an uncharacteristic act. The process has been strange, this relationship that has built.

I have a problem, I trusted too easily, I trust to easily and this time it bit me in the butt. Or maybe it didn’t. I don’t even know at this point, I’m not angry anymore, just confused… confused as to how to move forward with the knowledge I think that I may have. No not knowledge, just a different view point really. A view point that sees all the good things as twisted and not good anymore. What were they? Was it all a lie? Has it been a trick this whole time to trap me? Was that the intent… or what if they don’t even know… that’s worse. Am I dealing with a psychopath? No, just someone really hurt… deeply hurt… hurt in a place and way that I cant help.

I’m a very caring and compassionate person. I love easily. I love people, I love loving on people and encouraging them and spending time with them and just pouring into peoples lives. Some have tried to take advantage of this, and some have succeed while others haven’t.

Keeping my guard up is hard. How do you know what guard to keep up? How do you know when and how to hold in the things… to not show you care… but not stifle it and it seem like I don’t care. I do care.

Balance.

Life is about finding the balance for everything, Life as an artist is finding the way to find the balance using our art? No, artist are so much more complex… we do have to find a balance, a balance in life between, ourselves and others, our work, our craft, our fun, our sorrows, our emotions….

Emotions..

Balance in my emotions seems to be what I’m lacking right now. But I don’t feel anything right now either. Numb… numb to what I want to do.. I cant avoid and I cant run… and I’m not doing either… I’m just giving space? For myself. Space for myself… to think… to disconnect from it all… but I don’t know how to disconnect, I’ve never done that before, I’ve never done this before.

I was protected and guarded and watched over and wasn’t taught how to protect and guard myself. And the only way I did was by being tough and pushing people away. But then I got healing and let people I and I love letting people in and loving on them…

I said that already…

There’s nothing knew to say. As you see I’m in a place of confusion and maybe I’m just stoic at the moment.