Random Blah's

I don’t like being this way. I’m so disconnected. I feel like I spent all that time and being stretched and getting fine-tuned and I was fine tuned but somehow I got out of tune. I don’t know if I got to busy, or distracted or if I just stopped listening. I didn’t stop listening… but I did get distracted.

Here I am, on this emotional roller coaster, wanting to cry but not being able to. At what I thought was my breaking point. But it’s not. I can still handle more and when I started opening my mouth and stopped being scared that I would make the wrong decision… by communicating I felt better… and the situation isn’t worse.. its better and something I don’t have to be concerned about anymore.

I realize that relationships are more important to me than my school work, than theatre. I mean I love theatre, but people are always gonna be in my life and if things aren’t right with them, I cant focus… but if homework isn’t done or I’m falling behind in schoolwork or whatever… I can brush it off.

I’m a very compassionate person, and I care so deeply for people. And I have no problem saying I love you to people bc I honestly do love them. I love then how Christ loves them and its an intense passionate love.. not as in being in love with someone.. but just loving on them. I’m honored that my friends want to protect me and my family wants to protect me and I want to be protected, but I listen so hard and really think through what people are telling me and I decide for myself if I agree. If it really is for me or if parts of it are for me. Discernment is something I’m constantly working on. Discerning whats God and whats not God and discerning whats for now and whats for later.

As much of an independent person I am, I’m also very indecisive. Decisions scare me bc I don’t want to make mistakes and getting caught in a trap. and I realize that its good to make mistakes because that’s how I can learn but I try and learn from other peoples mistakes so I wont make the same ones. I don’t want to make a mistake that will make back track. Or be stuck for a season. I only have one direction I’m allowed to go and that is forward.

But I still have to decide how I will go about handling my business… how I handle relationships. Even if others I’m close to don’t agree.

College life is fun but it’s hard too. And I’m not fully myself here I realize. I go home and I’m a different person.. well not different but .. more comfortable I guess.. that I do some outrageous embarrassing things… that no one here at college has seen.

There’s apart of me I haven’t shown here at Regent. Why? I don’t know, maybe because I’ve only been here for 2 semesters and even though I’ve gotten close to people here, I’m not that intimately close as I am with my family.

So I’m going home this weekend to spend time with my family and I’ll be myself, and let that person inside that wont come out here out.. and figure out why.. because she’s the fun me.. the real me.. the me that draws people to me to see what that spark is that I have. People who I know without a doubt love me regardless of anything. And I don’t have to say anything and know exactly what to do. Whether its to hold me, or talk to me or just let me be… people here at Regent don’t me that intimately… I miss not being with someone and they just knowing something’s wrong and calling me up to see what’s up.

I miss my Poppa’s arms and my momma’s encouraging wisdom filled words. And I miss my cousin who I can goof with and who knows the ins and outs of me and I can talk to for hours on end about everything and nothing… and I miss my sister.. even though we really don’t know each other anymore.. I miss her and want to know her again.

So I’m going home so I can rest and be filled up again.